Thursday June 1st 1995. "The place is like a bloody abbatoire!" Hellooooo! Kenzoid Zninzznek here in the sixth month of the year of our lord 1995. Strap yourself in for a rollercoaster ride through this month (or a Sinclair C5 ride maybe). Yesterday I managed to get three CF compo winners sorted. Today I got NONE done. So much for doing one a day. I did manage to compile some stuff CF requested and get it all packaged up. Yippee! I even updated the letter I did for people who want info about the mighty 'Commodore Zone' jazzmag thingy. I got FIVE of those done. Andy 'Pugwall' Roberts rang in the afternoon. He also has met up with Waz Pilkington. I bet Waz mentions it in his next letter. Tip of the day (from Andy):- Don't buy Clorets ... (Laxative alert!) Didn't do much else in the day. Had a MAGNIFICENT pizza for my tea. It was big, HUGE, LAAARGE! By the time I scoffed it I was well stored. Slavver! Finshed off the legendary 'Cartape' today. Jodson! I'm going to produce a remixed version to give to Rich for his Birthday. I'm going to bed to dream about ravishing Dr Beverly Crusher now. Cheerio until I next SPILL THE BEANS. From:- Korma Kiev. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Friday June 2nd 1995. "Let's hide behind our drinks". Yub nub chums. Didn't dream about Dr Bev last night. In fact, I can't remember dreaming about anything. Oh well. The high priest 'Po-stie' did a cool thing, he shoved plenty of CASH through the letterbocks. Looks like I will be off to the pub after all. Excellent! I didn't exactly clear my in-tray today. I got the CASH orders done so I could spend the dosh with a clear conscience and I got another compo winner done. Ambled up the town to post those bits. It was the most utterly uneventful trip up the town EVER. Yer-aaaawn. Spent a bag of time updating the car-tape with new bits as a prezzie for Rich. I taped a bit of the new 'Chortles' stuff right at the end. It was the bit where Mr Passerby goes MAAAD. Classic, classic, CLASSIC! I just managed to get the sucker wrapped up before I had to leave for the pub. Ooooh yeah, Waz rang the second I was about to leave the house to tell me he had met Andy Roberts. Aha Waz, I ALREADY KNEW! I went to the pub with Rich and his two mates Rob and Chris. We had a good chortle while boozing away. I pretended to fall over the kiddies table and chairs at one point but my gag backfired because people thought I was pissed. (I probably was). While at the bar I stood THIS far from Smiley Babe (Kenz gestures using hand to suggest a small distance of about <-1cm->). I got pretty smashed on Tennants and we all played on the kiddies adventure playground for ages when the pub closed. Rich freaked out a bit when we left the pub and started to hit everything and rip the pub sign to bits. This fat bloke came out the pub and shouted "OI!" at Rich. I told the fat bloke that Rich was a Vietnam veteran. This seemed like a good time to LEAVE the area. After escaping the wrath of the fat bloke we all went for a BALTI. Great nosh. While we were devouring dead creatures I poured salt into Robs drink while he wasn't looking. A few mins later I looked at his glass and it was EMPTY! On the way home we hit the lido playground and spent ages on all the various rides and things. Rich once again became a 'BIN-MAN' and promptly collapsed. We did all the usual 'hide in the bushes from each other' type crap. Actually it was quite scary while hiding in the bushes in the darkness because Rich went past with the bin on his head. It was a weird and disturbing sight. "The aliens are taking OVER!" Finally got home at around 3am. Skulled a can of diet coke (bleregggg) before crashing into beddiebyes. I'm gonna be a wreck tomorrow!! Ciao! From:- Klimbing Frame. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Saturday June 3rd 1995. "The chips would not budge at 80mph". Hoho! What a fun day today. The morning was pretty run of the mill but I DIDN'T have a hangover which is bit good. One thing though, I woke up at 7am!!!!! Why? Four hours of sleep!! Nooooooooooooo! In the afternoon Collett and Mez invaded the Zone. We hastily departed this mist-shrouded fortress and out into the grey yonder. The video shop was out first destination. We pondered over the various films before deciding on 'The Shadow'. The bloody phone kept ringing constantly while we were there. ANSWER THE F**KING THING!!! As it was quite late in the afternoon we decided to get some bags of chips (tm). We puchased some steaming portions and then drove to a scenic location to devour them. When we were parked chips were scoffed, bunged out the windows and then some were thrown on the roof of the car ... Then the bonnet ... Then the mirrors etc etc. A few minutes later there were chips ALL OVER the car and bits of saveloy on the roof and bonnet. The car looked CLASSIC as it drove along covered in chips and people gave us some STRANGE looks. It was even more amusing when some of the chips blew off the car and bounced along the road. The problem now was how to get rid of the rest of the suckers. Collett put the pedal to the metal and raced along trying to dislodge the varmints by using pure speed. Unfortunately, the ones on the bonnet didn't budge so we stopped the car, removed the chips and threw them at each other. What a hoot! When we finally arrived at Colletts abode we watched Superman which had a bloody superb moment of 'Lois in her underwear'. Oh, the things I could do with that freeze ray thing ... ! HURR HURR! CACKLE! (Kenz drools and rubs his hands together in a 'mad professor' fashion). Before putting on the 'main feature' which was 'The Shadow' we zoomed off in the car to buy some sweeties. Before we left Mez discovered some sort of Bible type thing which Collett claims he was "given at school". Much fun was had in the car shouting holy phrases VERY LOUDLY, driving out the devil and Collett even healed me! Blimey! (You had to be there really, it was very amusing). Once we had obtained our sweeties we returned and watched 'The Shadow'. What a complete load of SHITE that film is. Total and complete PANTS! It is bloody BOOORRRIIIINNNG and it really drags on. BOOOLLLLOOOXXXXX! The rest of the evening was spent drawing various amusing things in Colletts old school exercise book thingy. We did loads of "Fred is dead" (tm) stories which were well kewl. I would explain about "Fred is dead" but I really can't be bothered. Collett unearthed a little book which I had scribed in FOUR YEARS ago! It contained a poem I wrote called "Sahran". It went like this:- "What colour is your hair Sahran? What colour is your hair Sahran?" And that's it!!! Not bad eh? (I'm a doctor, not a poet!) The lads have supplied some quotes for this diary. Here goes! "Doip!" (Mez). "I wake up wearing womens underwear (and it's a bit tight)" (Collett). Thanks guys, ummm, inspired stuff. Got home around midnight-ish. Sort of require sleep. See ya! From:- Syzygy. (That's sommat to do with a Dragon 32 game). -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Sunday June 4th 1995. "No hard rubbing or buffing" I just glanced at the telly and those words were on the screen in large letters. Good quote to start todays rambling huh fannnzzzz? Ho hum. After two eventful days I suddenly entered 'pantsville'. Not a great deal happened today. For brekkie I had, erm, NOTHING! That should set me up nicely for my Sunday lunch eh chumlets? What the blazes did I do this morning? WAKE UP BRAIN!!! Ummmm, I sorted out a few BZ disks, messed around with directory headers and updated my C64 utility disk. A thrill a second. 'Ocean Odyssey' was on today. Neri is just sooooooooooooo cute. Din-dins consisted of chicken, spuds, gravy etc. Nice. Oh bloody HELL! Quadraplayer has just crashed my Amiga. This is the second time that program has fudged up a diary entry. It seems to crash when it reaches the end of a module. This means that FeekZoids module did NOT crash my Amiga a while ago. Lordy! Soz Feekoo! When my miggy crashed the text remained on the screen so I copied what was there onto my C64's screen. Good old C64, always there when you need it. Ooops, my cardboard Dr Bev has just fallen over. Oh, umm, where was I? Oh yeah ... After dinner I watched an old Trek Next Gen episode and generally slobbed. Did a little bit of work in the evening. I was going to get Waz's latest package sorted out but ended up doing a package for Danny G and a CF compo winner (only three more to go!!). That's all you're getting from me today. From:- Supercute. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Monday June 5th 1995. "Oh, my mother came into the rooooooom!" Another day, another keyboard bash to bring you up to speed on my incredible life ... (?) After an unappetizing bowl of BRAN FLAKES for breakfast I battled with my in-tray once again. I managed to scrape a few decent empty disks together to get some orders and a package for Waz all ready to go. I hope my replacement blank disks come soon or I am DOOOOOOOOOOMED! Plodded up the town to hoy my bits and bobs in the postbox. I'm sure the woman behind the counter fancied me. Shame she had a face like a bag of hammers. Ooooh, I saw the lovely Lydia in the post-office. I do like that girl. She is ... NICE. Todays guest diary quote is from Andy Roberts ... His wise words are:- "Lynx roll-on deoderant resembles elephant spunk". I certainly I won't be rolling any of that spunky matter under MY pits. (This paragraph is getting OBSCENE!) I've just seen some slightly disturbing pictures on the news. There are these MASSIVE floods in Norway at the moment and entire houses are submerged! They just showed someones house falling down a bank into a river. HECK! Had the most apalling and disgusting tea of all time tonight. SPINACH! It oozed around my plate like a mass of blobbling seaweed. Although it doesn't taste like much it looked so gross I refused to eat all of it. NEWSFLASH!! The bran flakes and spinach have given me the f*rts! BRAP! I've gotta remember to watch the tennis tomorrow. It's Steffi Graf versus Gabriela Sabatini!! Should be a shwing-tastic match! Hmmm, can't think of anything else to type so I'm going to go and collect droids roaming desolate rocky regions. Hooouuuutttiiiinnnniiiiii! From:- Sandkrawler. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Tuesday June 6th 1995. Ahoy there me hearties! Today began with me shaving off my Riker-beard. Once I almost resembled a human again I bounded downstairs and choffed a bowl of bleggy bran flakes. They give you a 'bum-avalanche' ... Farts and turds evacuate when they are hit by bran flakes! Slapped on my Koto compilation tape which I haven't listened to for AGES and it supplied some unobtrusive background zax for me to work to. My blank disks STILL show no sign of arriving so I scrounged around for disks and got a few orders done. I've now got ALL the CF compo winners posted! Yipppeeee! So far only one of them has written back to thank me. Charming! That's all the thanks you get for giving people something for nothing. Still, early days yet eh? Despite lots of farting around with disks I didn't seem to get much done today. All I posted was the final CF compo winner and ten of those ropey blank disks which one of my members (fwoo fwoo!) wants. The tennis match was KEWL. Steffi Graf HAMMERED Gabriela Sabatini. It was much fun watching them bounce around the tennis court. (The girls, not the tennis balls). Babylon 5 was pretty good today. Delenn looked REALLY cute (for a Minbari/Human hybrid). It was the last in the current series though. BOOOO HOOOOOO! Didn't do anything else that requires entry into this esteemed organ (kyerp!) ... As I'm so desparate for disks I'm off into Worcester first thing tomorrow. That should be fun. Can't wait to get up at 7am. I can almost taste that sossie and egg McMuffin (tm). I'm going to hit the sheets now and watch a Bruce Lee video. From:- Knnnyaaaaa! Hiyaaaa! (Dubbed speech). -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Wednesday June 7th 1995. "Hubba hubba! Shwing! Phwoooarr! TITS!" I'll explain that intro in a likkle while (although methinks you probably get the general gist already ... !) What was happening while the dawn was cracking? I was bloody UP! Yessum, a lift into Worcester means an early start for Kenz. As I had a few spare minutes I got a package for Andy 'No spare pants left' Roberts wrapped up. The letter I enclosed was purposefully wonky because I wrote it at 7:30am!! A mere hour later I was wandering the streets of Worcester. Blank disks were my priority and after a brief natter in Antics I plodded down to Lyndene Micros and purchased 25 of the flippy-floppy suckers. MISSION SUCCESSFUL! Hey, Antics have sold ANOTHER one of my PD tapes. More money in the holiday fund! (unless I use it to pay a sodding BILL). I returned to Droiters (and didn't have to pay on the train! HA!) and ambled back to the Zone. What do you think arrived about an hour after I got home? MY BLANK DISKS! A box choc full o' disks was handed over while I pulled agog faces. FACK! I went all the way into Worcester for NOTHING! I now have ooooodles of blank disks. Worked like a sonofabitch to get some long overdue orders sorted. While I was busy the post arrived - AT 2:15 IN THE AFTERNOON!! What sort of time is that for the post to arrive?!?! It wasn't even the second post either. Frottage! Got my Mummy to drop me off (a cliff) up the town and I zzapped into the post-office. Had a fun chat with the nice girly behind the counter. I'm starting to like that girly (N.B. I'm not talking about the saddlebag-head who served me on Monday by the way). Once my packages were handed over to the blonde counter-chick I headed to Mikes house. He is ILL! His settee has been transformed into a makeshift deathbed and Mike looks like Yoda. He's got an ear infection. I think it may be quite a BAD infection because he said BLOOD was coming out of his ear. That is rather worrying. Health problems aside he's gone INTERNET CRAZY. I think a modem will soon be attached to his PC. If that is the case then the Binary Zone home page will soon start up on the World Wide Web. BRUTAL! Traipsed 50 miles home, had a DELICIOUS tea which consisted of chicken in a lovely sauce with lots of rice and gallons of soy sauce. Watched Brookie and then ... THE ITV MOVIE AWARDS. I won't blather on about movies or gripe about 4 weddings and a fucking funeral. The complete showstopping part of the procedings had be Marina Sirtis (Deanna Troi) in a dress which utterly showed her TITS! And who was her completely lovely companion? Gates McFadden (Dr Bev!) Swooooon! Helloooo LEGS! Gates McFadden is TALL! Troi's TITS! Bevs LEGS! GIBBER! FOAM! SLAVVER! OVERLOAD! RED ALERT! SHIELDS UP! AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHH! Note to readers: "We apologize for the break at this point in the diary but Kenz appears to be unconscious. Dooh! Eh? Where am I? What hit me? Ummmm, anyway, I then watched Cardiac Arrest which was the last episode in the current series. Dr Claire got a good shagging. That's what Bomber wants. No more Cardiac Arrest until next year!! No more Babylon 5 either. FRIG! My word, this entry is a bit long. I'm off to bed now. I reckon I'm going to be stuffing catalogues into envelopes tomorrow. From:- Kloob. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Thursday June 8th 1995. Flip! I don't know how to start todays diary. HELLO! Yup, that'll do. Sure enough I spent the morning stuffing catalogues into envelopes. I got quite a few done but then started to run out of catalogues. Bugger it. Ooooh, scary moment. I was working away and and a rotting BOGLIN came splarging through my open window. It's normally hanging up outside but one of my witty parents chucked it through my window. It went through first time too! Good shot! Pity it partially disintegrated and there's bits of Boglin on my windowsill. Yerck! Lumbered up the town, posted my array of stuff (and just had enough money on me too - lucky, lucky, lucky!) On my way up the town this Girl said "Hi" to me. Spent a few moments after that trying to work out who she was. I think she was at the pub last Friday. Got back home and languished on the settee while watching 'Escape from Jupiter' which is a pants Australian series. Rich appeared unexpectedly. He brought an AGA 'Red Dwarf' slideshow to show me. The piccies are bloody good quality. We then watched some classic bits of horror movies including:- Bad Taste (+ the making of), Basket Case, Brain Damage and Return of the Living Dead. Classic! Booted Rich out, set the video to record 'Alien Nation' and then hit the sheets. G'night! From:- Zoth Ommog. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Friday June 9th 1995. "Dale Winton is as camp as a field full of tents". Tee Hee! What a classic quote. It originated during a phone chat with Andy Roberts a while ago. I've only just remembered to tap it into this diary. I guess that makes me a der-brain! Oho! No more cleaners ... EVER!! They've been given the BOOOOT. That's what you get when you PISS ME OFF with hoover din. Well, maybe that wasn't the reason. Who gives a shit anyway? (Don't answer that literally or otherwise). The downside of this situation is I've been given the task of hoovering the entire house on Fridays ... My life! I began work on a video tape for Colit today. So far it features the 'Chortles 2' trailer, Bruce Lee, Mez jumping around and Blossom in THAT dress. An interesting montage of material I must admit. And all of a sudden it was dinner time. (Am I allowed to start a sentence with 'and'?) For luncheon I had WAFFLES (They're waffly versatile), a pizza and some onion rings. (What about my onion breath? Doesn't matter, I've got double mint). In the afternoon I went to visit Mike. Saw a Doom-esque game called 'Rise of the Triads' (or sommat like that) which was mucho fun! Did about 10,000 farts and stunk out his house. I then farted loudly outside not realising his neighbours were in their garden. More tea Vicar? Shot back home for lots of SPARE RIBS. That was my treat for doing all that bloody hoovering. They weren't Mrs Chan ones so they get 6/10. Brookie was cool tonight. Lots of explosions. A tad over the top but fun viewing nonetheless. Oh yeah, while we are on a soapy theme, there's this HOT new Italian babe in Home & Away. Shwing! X-Wing! A-Wing! Y-Wing! B-Wing! Death-Star! Imperial-Shuttle! Klaatu! How come every bloody program I watch has just finished on telly? No more Alien Nation, Babylon 5, Have I got news for you or Cardiac Arrest! (And I missed the Clangers today ... Ooops! I didn't really say that). Er, ah, ummm, MENTAL BLOCK! Due to the lack of anything else to say I will leave this place. Au revoir for noir. From:- Klaxon. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Saturday June 10th 1995. "PISS OFF BRADY BUNCH!" Sorry about that, I'm sick of hearing about that clag movie based on a 70's series I never heard of. Any old how, onwards and downwards we go once more. Didn't actually do a great deal during the day. Slobbed around in the morning, slobbed around in the afternoon. Fascinating stuff eh readers? In the evening something wonderful happened. No, my Amiga didn't think it was alive ... I was suddenly transported to a PARTY! There I was, snoozing on my bed attempting to watch an episode of SeaQuest without falling asleep. I taped it while I watched Superman see. Actually, I didn't watch Superman, I found Lois to be far more interesting. (Oh, you knew that already ... Soz). Ummm, oh yeah, I was watching SeaQuest and then suddenly it was PARTY ALERT! And I didn't even know a thing about it! I had about five minutes to get ready which I just about managed to do. I was sporting a bit of a Riker-beard but no time to remove it. Party mode was now on-line. It was an 18th birthday party. I entered, assessed the sitation and one word sprang to mind .... TTTTTT IIII TTTTTT SSSS !! TT II TT SS !! TT II TT SSS !! TT II TT SS TT IIII TT SSSS !! Joy of joys, girls everywhere. The girls who's party it was (Jill) has got about SIX sisters who are all OLDER than her. It was a bloody tight-top convention! Skulled large amounts of grog while blatantly ogling jumblies. In fact, I even ended up discussing tits with Jill which was kind of cool beyond belief! Wow, did I have a lot drink? Too sodding right! I downed about 5 cans of lager before trying a glass of southern comfort (HORRIBLE!). To remove the taste of the southern comfort I downed a glass of peach shnapps which hit the spot. A couple of glasses of cider then followed before I returned to the lager. Stagger! Gibber! Slur! Drool! Jills sister Jennifer kind of fell asleep on me. She is CUTE when she's drunk. She's like a big teddy bear (with tits). Covered Jill in kisses (and drool) before departing. It was around 4 o'clock by the time I got home. It was a weird twilight time. The birds were singing and I could see the barest hint of dawn breaking. Highly pissed I crashed into bed with the images of thrusting orbs floating around my sloshed mind. SIGH! From:- TITS! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Sunday June 11th 1995. "Mangle his ribs". Groooaaannnn. My brain is malfunctioning. My mouth is malfunctioning. My body is malfunctioning. What hit me? Arrrgh! The grog monster has struck once more! I had a completely and utterly unremarkable Sunday. Didn't do naffink really. Watched 'Ocean Odyssey' for the one reason that makes it worth watching. Had quite a tasty Sunday lunch. It was 'big lamb chops' (said Matt years ago). Yeek! I did so little of note today I can't think of what to type. Ummmm, Ohhhh yeah, Andy Roberts rang. I was eating my tea and was just about to go out and was doing lots of other things which he disrupted. (Not really!! But I probably would have been if Waz rang). We had a good natter about a plethora of different subjects. At one point we had a little bet. I bet him a mars bar that Simon 'Crazy Comets' Nicol wrote the C64 version of 'Shinobi' and he bet me a special edition orange wispa that it was Simon 'Microrythm' Pick. Unfortunately, the game crashed before I reached the end so I still don't know who wrote it. Why weren't the bloody credits at the START?!?! We were both falling asleep by the end of the call so once the phone was hung back on the wall I ran quickly to the land of nod. Nighty-night churms. From:- Kachapaya. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Monday June 12th 1995. "And then she slapped me". Actually, she didn't slap me at all. In fact, I haven't been slapped since my 'tete-a-tete' with a sun-longer. (That was more of a right hook than a slap). Gumph! Irrelevant intro or what?! Lets forge on with todays fun and frolics. (Hmmmm). The post came early today and there was MOONNNEEEYYY in it. Mucho disk (and tape) duplication followed. I've got LOADS of catalogues to send out too ... Pity I've run out of them! I really need to sort stuff like that out. Todays luncheon consisted of plenty of chips and two delicious spicy chicken things. Yam yam. Zzoomed up the town to post the packages I got sorted earlier and met Mike. I forgot to take my cheques with me to be paid into the bank. BLOODY IDIOT! That means I can't pay my phone-bill until tomorrow. Don't kick my arse Telecom! Me and Mike checked out the mags and had a brief natter before going our separate ways. Continued to sort out C64 disks during the afternoon. Got various phonecalls including one from these guys who have created a SHITE diskmag. I enthused to them telling them how much I enjoyed it. Well c'mon. I couldn't tell them it was a complete crock of shit could I?! Jaz Kelk also called. I played him a snippet of a new Jon Wells tune down the phone and he was well impressed. He asked for MORE music from Jon! Jon will be most pleased with this positive feedback. The 'Outer Limits' was pretty average tonight. It was about this doddery old geezer who refused to die. He died. End of episode. Pithered around with more C64 disks and then boinged into bed (after removing the 10,000 things from it. Grrrrr!) For your information readers today was dull, cloudy and a bit chub. BWAH! Toodlepip! From:- Kinky. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Tuesday June 13th 1995. "It's noooooo good Captain! She canna tek much more 'o this!" Deja-fucking-vu (tm) or what?! Today was remarkably similar to yesterday. Gaaahh. Boooring ... I'll tell ya what happened anyway. The post arrived early and there was more MOONNNEEEYYY in it. Mucho disk (and tape) duplication followed. (sound familiar?). I found a classic old tape to listen to while working. It featured lots of ancient Amiga tunes and lots of Amiga SFX for some odd reason. It begins with the eerie sounding "Well done, mortal" speech from Populous. For my din-dins I scoffed another mountain of chippys, some onion rings (I finished the bag) and a large amount of lavverly quiche (I fink dats speelt wryte). Bombed up the town ("Bombers away!") remembering to take my dosh with me to be paid into the bank. Got that sorted, got my phone-bill sorted, got my post sorted ... SORTED! Didn't meet Mike today though which makes a change. 'Ey up lads, there's a canny chick working in John Menzies now. She looks a bit like Annalise from Neighbours. I'm gonna steam in there I reckon. I haven't seen the lovely girly in WHSmiths for AGES. BOLLOX! I actually got quite a few things done today. I even managed to get a bit of work done in the evening which is getting to be an increasingly rare occurrence for me. The weather today was exactly the same as yesterday. In short, PANTS. And that's all I can be bothered to type for now. See ya! From:- Kollywobbles. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Wednesday June 14th 1995. "Stop that crazy jibber-jabber fool!" Sneeze! SNEEZE! Hallo gang ... SNEEZE! Either my hay-fever is playing me up or I'm getting a bit of a cold. As the weather is not exactly tropical at the moment I think it may be the latter. Ho hum. I waited patiently for my post to arrive today but ... NONE CAME! Woah, an unexpected day off for Kenz. Woo! So did I knuckle down and clear my in-tray. Nah! I didn't do any work at all! HONK! I began compiling an Amiga disk for Andrex Rubber today and he actually rang me while I was hoying stuff onto his floppy. (Fwoo fwoo!) I was going to do an amusing sample of Matt saying 'big lamb chops' but my sampler was malfunctioning. I guess the 'big lamb chops' compi will have to be created at a later date. I had another rip on 'Shinobi' today to see if I could reach the credits part. I did and ... I lost the bet me and Andy had on Sunday. It was Simon Pick who wrote it, not Simon Nicol. A Mars Bar goes to Andy for winning and a chocolate football goes to me for being a der-brain. Sniffle! Why is my nose running like Billy Whizz today? What have I done to deserve this? If it develops into a full cold I will NOT be happy because I hate being ILL! Oh gawsh, 'Blackadder goes forth' is on now. I'll shift my attention from this gobshite to that amusing proggy. All I can say now is "SPLARGE!" From:- Krazy Komets. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Thursday June 15th 1995. "Aaaaaaccchhhooooooo!" Okay, so it feels like I've got a bit of a cold but I will not let it beat me. I'm going to carry on as normal and pretend I don't feel like shite. Although my nose is bunged up I actually feel a bit better now. As soon as I was up I was busy getting various packages wrapped. I got an order sorted which I received a couple of days ago. I even giftwrapped the disks because the guy said they were a birthday present to himself! Armed with some blank disks I then hastily departed the Zone at around 10am. My first stop was Rich's abode. I scavved a few tasty morsels from him including an AGA 'Red Dwarf' slideshow and a pretty cool little 'Lemming' demo. Next stop was the post-office. I dropped off the assorted packages in my bag and then trudged home. By this time I was feeling a bit peckish and fancied some EGG SARNIES! (Brap!) Unfortunately, when I got home and investigated the fridge there was only one egg left. BOTTOM! I had to make do with poxy spaghetti on toast with little sossies in it. After munching my lunch I slaked my thirst with a glass of impossibly fizzy diet coke and got to work finishing the disk for Andy Roberts which I started yesterday. While I compiled it I had a go on a game called 'Moonfall' which was mentioned in the letter I did for Andy. The game is actually PRETTY COOL! It's a bit like 'Mercenary' but not quite as amazing, humourous and thought provoking. The rest of the day was spent working on my AGA 'X-Wing Slideshow'! I used the piccy viewer that was on the AGA 'Red Dwarf' slideshow and ALMOST solved the disk-swap problems. The presentation still needs work and I need to find a decent Star Wars tune before it's finished. I'm going to go and find a tape for 'War Of The Worlds' which starts in about half an hour. Cheerie-bye for a bit! From:- Kommodore 64. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Friday June 16th 1995. "Waanannnkkkkeeeee Chchheeewwwbbbabcccaa" Hey, fockinn ell 4right? I tell ya, we were nearly in a ffucning rfight at the pub just then. There was this table of fucking kids right? Well, they were really SWEARUBG a lot. They weere using bad woeds like:- fuck, wabk,, piss,mm shit, arse, bun, fart, cubnt, piss, wank, bastard, sshit, poo, bollucks, shite, tits, clam, bloody eytc. Hokay, I'm pissed so I'll t3ell yo about today even though I cnab hard;y type beacsue I relaky am pissed tpnight. The postyie arrive dquite eearly toafy and I was qiuite suruprised to see a package from TRIAD. (They are a legendary C64 denom group by the way). Any old how, I ecamimnded the letter which was actually from Jerry / Triad and he was pissed off with a pd libryay called 'UNITED PD' becoz thwy hvad beenmeessing eith Triad demos abd changing them and stiff. i explained to Jerry that Bianry Zone PD han dNPOT been chanigng ace Triad stuff arouhnd. In fact, exactly oine hour after I had read Jerr'ys lkegtter there was a repoly letter waiting to posted to Jeryy. For my din0dins I had the EGG sandwiches that I mentioned yetserday maygbe. I mixxed the egg with a little bit pf mayonsise andthey wet really nice asrnies. I watched 'War of the worls' while eat8ihng my neice eggy sarnies. Anyway, once Jerrys letter was all finished i began to copy some Babylon 5 icture onto disk for mikeM bacause he anted them.. HEHE! U cahad a giod laugh bevause I gave Delenn a bIG CHIN even though it wass r3eakky small... After i had compiled Mikes disk I wrnt up the wtown and posted the disk I had p;erepared for Jerr.Riad It really was a slick magerp8cee of compilatioj beacsue spnt ages putting freally good stuff on his disk. Emr, while i was ulp the wotowwn with Mike i scoped out this nwew hot babe in Jonhn Menis whi look sliek aannnaizlise.neihhgpburs. Shot eehat then? Umm, weny to ikes house and saw an EXCE:LENT dmo eof 'Stonekeep' in his PC. Great ganme. I also did a few pages for COmmofore Zone which is a magazien O just happen to be wiritin. Got home and went instanntly to the PUB. Saw s miley babe, drqank masses of Tennants and then nearly got into a fight with sme fucking asbtastrard ho just wouldn't stop SWAERING a;l thw time. Kev was going to chihn him but he didn't. I went to the bog before the fight began but hwn ej I rteunrdc evennone was ready to eleave si I went. HAHA! I was just watcjign drop` the dead donkey` and the onyl reasin I laughed at onr of theur jon\kes was beacause I *FARTED* loudlky ar the sam etime!! AHA! Got home and thenm updated my diary because I am great, G'nioght my littl wsober ch8nes. FrikmL-# Pissed as heell om TennanbtS! HIC! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Saturday June 17th 1995. "You can see her TITS through that top." Guffaw! Classic slurred typing yesterday or what?! I can remember really sandwiching keys down as I typed and I was using excessive amounts of force ("don't be afraid Luke") while I bashed in the days events. But that was yesterday and now here we are today. What was the first thing that entered my mind when consciousness gave me a lift all the from slumberland to wakey-wakey-world? "Groan, what hit me?" Yep, 'Mr Tennants-Head' was alive and not very well. Ho hum. Another day, another hangover. Staggered around a bit getting my bearings before spying what the postie had brought me. It was the worlds BIGGEST parcel! A plethora of bits and boobs (?!) from Android Spazms! Here's what he had stuffed into the overfed jiffy:- * A C64 disk brimming with froopy swag (and StreetHawk). * An Amiga disk bulging with text files. * A copy of the 'Sunday' magazine thrusting with Mandy pics. * Some smelly sweeties from Christmas. * A fun-pot-noodle starring 'Blegg' the dog. * Issue 55 of the pamphlet called 'Commodore Format'. * Some completely useless McDonalds vouchers. Hoot! Berlimey! Quite a haul. Spent a yonk wading through all those goodies. While I was occupied doing that my hangover left my being! Top tip for getting rid of trench-head in the morning ... Get someone to post vast amounts of obscurities to amuse, confuse and bemuse you. The C64 disk contained a new preview of the 'GALWAY' menu which was looking VERY KEWL INDEEDY. Oh, and the diary japes induced a chuckle (and the occasional loud laff) or ten! Who should phone while I was looking at all the bits Andy sent? The aformentioned Andy Roberts C.B.E, O.B.E, K.G.B, T.I.T! He was battling with his printer which is NOT a fun way to spend a Saturday morning. While we nattered Kev kept on invading the Zone. The afternoon was frittered away doing not much of note. Watched a bizarre episode of SeaQuest which featured a mentally unstable (as usual) James T.Kirk and a very brief cameo appearance from AIRWOLF! The channel was changed the millisecond that idiot in the cap at the end appeared talking about some of the "real life things that were in this weeks exciting episode of SeaQuest". Twat. What should greet me as soon as my finger prodded the '1' button on remote-control? Lois Lanes beaming face. Highlights of this weeks 'Superman' episode were:- 1. Lois wearing see-thru blouse ... VISIBLE BRA! 2. Lois wearing VERY short skirt and unbuttoned red leather jacket 3. Lois ... etc. I had the joyous task of babysitting my little brother tonight so when he was safely tucked up in bed I cooked a yamma-damma meal of 'Menu Master Chicken Curry' with 'Super Noodles'. Slobboo! I also tried to cook some extra rice but I didn't add enough water, cooked it for too long and it all stuck to the dish. Poo. I then settled down to watch the film 'Dead Calm'. Not bad I spoze. Nicole Kidman was red of hair and small of chest in that film. And that's it. I'm tired now (and thirsty). I'm gonna smurf me a drink and then go to bed. See y'all soon y'hear? From:- Komic Bakery. P.S. Todays entry was done in a pseudo 'Andy Roberts-O-Vision' style. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Sunday June 18th 1995. Owww, my body bone. A very battered, broken and burnt Kenz sends you greetings. I'll explain my dishevelled state later on. Let's start at the start shall we? Coco pops were shovelled into my gaping maw (ker-snaff) first thing. I do like those y'know. They turn the milk chocolatey. After my first feed of the day I pottered around the Zone and watched a bit of telly. Neri in 'Ocean Odyssey' is still someone I regard as being 'beautiful' (especially when she's got wet hair and is dressed in desert isle garb). I arranged to go to my dads today, it being FATHERS DAY after all so he appeared to collect me and off we tootled. The chaos had begun. While in the car my dad told me this great story which is apparently completely TRUE. Are ya ready? Hokay. It was a girls 21st birthday and her parents had planned a surprise party for her. The girl was one of those quiet types so I guess she wasn't really expecting this to be arranged. Her parents got all their friends and family together, hid in the lounge and switched off the lights. The girl got home from work, dropped her bag, took off her coat and went into the kitchen. About 15 minutes later the girl still hadn't come out of the kitchen so the girls mother wondered what she was doing and went to have a look. She opened the kitchen door to find the girl lying on the kitchen floor, totally naked, covered in pedigree chum while their alsatian dog was licking it off! The girls mother ran from the kitchen screaming and all the friends and relatives stuck their heads round the door to see what was going on. The poor girl lay there with her hands over her face crying while this dog carried on licking the food off her!! Jeez! I guess that's the end of her life as she knew it. Embarrasmentius maximus! Anyway, I thought I'd share that story with you, conjures up some interesting images doesn't it?! Right then, lets get back to todays events. Our first stop was a pub in Stourbridge (which is where daddums lives). After skulling some grog we ambled back to his abode and some we 'accidentally' smashed some windows in an old disused factory. What are we like eh? BLOODY VANDALS! I hoyed a brick at a window and it made that 'classic glass smash sound' that keeps cropping up in BBC progs. (You know the one). Dad chucked a huge brick at a window and it bounced off a wire fence he didn't see! He wore a most bemused expression when the brick whistled past his head. Parents can be such fun at times. He's like an old version of me! (That's a scary thought!) Dad then got the FUNKY MOPED out of the garage and whizzed off on it. I legged it after him and ran down a REALLY steep bank. Uh oh, tracking error. Grog affecting gyro's. Stabilization error. MALFUNCTION! CRASH! CLATTER! SKID! RIP! SCRAPE! INJURE! I went arse over tit on the dusty, gravelly ground. Owww. I didn't really notice my injuries at first and had a huge doss whizzing around on the funky moped. This went on for a while before ending due to a puntured rear type. Once back in dads abode I checked my injuries. SHITE! t-shirt ripped at the back, huge hole time! Why does my back hurt like a sonofabitch? Because my back was all cut and grazed where I slid along the ground. I also grazed and cut my elbow, cut my shoulder and cut my right hand in six places. What a STUPID thing to do. Owwww. MEDIC! Lucky I wasn't wearing my new 'X-Files' t-shirt today huh gang? It would have been RUINED! Once I was patched up and covered in 'Savlon' the rest of the day steamed by with me scoffing a lovely barbecued meal, lying in the HOT sunshine for HOURS (I now look like a tomato!) and we ended the day with a huge waterbomb fight. SMART JAPE! Dad dropped me back at the Zone and I settled down to watch 'Castaway'. Amanda Donahoe! Tits! Quim! Gibber! Oh, then I powered up my Miggy and tapped in this lot (with a poorly right hand too - utter hero!). Throb! Ache! From:- Kastaway. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Monday June 19th 1995. Greetings germs and boils. Owch! Ooch! Yow! I'm burnt, battered and SORE and I've got a BAD HEAD thanks to being roasted yesterday so DON'T MESS WITH ME! Ahemmm. There were about four things that I would consider needed urgent 'seeing to' (fwoo) and somehow I actually got most of them all sorted out. Rather than try to do everything at once I sat down and concentrated on one package at a time. Slowly but surely I made some good progress today - despite my various handicaps. (My shoulder has hurt like a bastard all day). Had an uninteresting lunch. Chips (as per usual) and a couple of chicken burger things. I also rendered a piece of pork I found like a caveman would have. Walked round to the local pist-office (hehe!) later and dropped off my droppings. No, I didn't poo in the post-bag I simply threw in my little packages. I hope the people appreciate the effort I put into their packages because it HURT doing them! I then lumbered up to the school to collect my little brother which was 'chore of the day'. On the way back home this utterly LOVELY girl went past me. I've seen her a few times before but forgot to mention her. She's got long black hair and 'elven' features. She's slim and has got the requisite bolt on goodies that I deem so important in a woman. There's one or two problems though:- 1. She's got a sprog. 2. She doesn't know I exist. 3. She's got a sprog. 4. What do I say to her? 5. I look like a tomato and hurt. She's very lovely though ... And she looks quite young too. Started work on a package for Jaz Kelk. I've typed his letter and done his disks so there's not much more for me to do on that one. I really should get some catalogues posted ... Fret! The 'Outer Limits' was quite good tonight. It featured 'Virtual Reality' which could peep into the future. I'm going to try that now:- CRACKLE!! VZZZT! Telemetary suit on-line. Tuesday June 20th 1995. Got up, had coco pops for brekkie. VZZZT! Completed package for Jaz Kelk and checked out the goodies from Tony Gibbs which arrived today. SPPZZZT. Got my packages wrapped up and walked to the post orifice just like yeste CRACKLE! rday. Had to collect my little brother again so I looked out for lovely girl with the dark hair. BZZRRT. Didn't see her. BZZRRTTCRRAACKKLEEVZZZT! Telemetary suit off-line. Weird! A look into the future there ... We'll have to see how much of it was accurate. I didn't like the last bit much, I MUST SEE THAT GIRL AGAIN ... I think that's about it. Gonna get me head down now. Ta-ta! From:- Kontraceptive. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Tuesday June 20th 1995. "Forget you, freaking mother-humper son of a witch!" Howdydoody everybody. Got up, had coco pops for brekkie. I had to use bleggy semi-skimmed milk on them though. Sacrilage! Once hunger was at bay I frolicked and cavorted around the Zone getting all manner of packages prepared. I completed the package for Jaz Kelk which I started yesterday and checked out some goodies from Tony Gibbs which arrived this morning. He has produced the menu for the Commodore Zone disk covermount! Departed from the Zone and walked to the post-orifice just like I did yesterday. The town was THRUSTING with tasty girlies! I spoze it's because the exams are over. They were all trying out their tight-tops. My eyes were rather busy during that trip up the town I can tell you! Popped into John Menzies to see what was new and that nice Annalise-esque babe was serving. Every time I have a crafty ogle at her she seems to be looking at ME! Unfortunately, each time I've been in there this week I haven't actually bought anything. Gaaah! Sods law. I was given the task of collecting my little brother (which I don't mind now that summer is here!) and I actually DID catch a glimpse of the elven beauty! (She even looks nice from beind ... Nice ankles too!) After all this I did some work on a vid-tape I owe Collett and generally whiled away the afternoon. I also compiled a mini 'Bat-Man' slideshow preview for Danny G which should help him out a bit. I've got to do a tape for him too ... Gumph! The movie 'The Last Boy Scout' was on tonight. Although it was quite an enjoyable film the hard edge had been removed thanks to some cutting and dubbing. Why edit films?? Why?! They are never as good when shown on TV thanks to the poofs who chop them up ... FUCK YOOOO! I then hit the sheets and read a chunk of my 'Alien³' book which I've been reading for a few days now but forgot to mention. HONK! G'night you "air-heads". From:- Kroissant. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Wedneday June 21st 1995. S U M M E R I S H E R E ! ! ! Yippy yup, it's the first day of summer and the weather is ROASTING! Guess how I spent most of the morning. (Clue - it chinned me a while ago). Yessum boss, the lounger was rigged up and I, erm, lounged! I looked like a bloody BORG while I was the garden. I didn't want to burn my face so I wore a cap. I then donned some shades to protect my eyes and to finish off my Borg outfit I put on my large Technics headphones. "I am Kenz of Borg, Resistance is futile ... etc". While enjoying the sunshine I read some of the first 'Aliens vs Predator' novel which is called 'Prey'. It rules. Predators kick alien ass! Did I do any work? Hmmmm, not much. I got the package for Danny G I mentioned yesterday finished (and posted too! - WHAT A HERO!) I've still got to do his tape though ... Double gumph! For some baffling reason I actually OFFERED to collect my little brother from his school. Yup, I did see the elven beauty and I have great pleasure in reporting that she has a beautifully formed chest. In fact, she is a generally beautiful person (apart from the fact that someone else other than me got her up the duff). Got a phoney call from Lee Colit today. He was enthusing about a jazzmag he bought. Apparently it's a mag which just features raunchy pictures of the gorgous Teri Hatcher and Liz 'bouncy of breasts' Hurley. Woah! Sounds too good to be true. I'll definately look out for that on my next voyage up the town. (I said to Lee I'd sleep on a camp-bed outside WHSmiths tonight! Arf arf! What a perv). Collett also provided an amusing quote for todays diary. Take it away Lee! "When I opened the bonnet of my car there were chips in the engine!" Chortle! Hoot! Nice one Lee, we're all smiles here. "And there was still saveloy on the roof". Guffaw! Wheeze! I bet the readers weren't expecting that 'two pronged' comedy anecdote attack. The groovy film 'Enemy Mine' was on tonight. As my telly picture is in glorious 'Pants-O-Vision' I decided to watch (and tape) it downstairs. Unfortunately, the film started at 10:40pm so I was a bit knackered when it was finished. It's a cool film though, the Drac facial effects are sodding excellent if you ask me. I bet ILM did the effects too. Didn't do an awful lot after watching the film. I was tired, I needed sleep so that's what I did. G'noot! From:- Kolossus. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Thursday June 22nd 1995. "Dale Winton sleeps on a camp-bed". Awwww, c'mon! It's late. Do I have to tell you about today? I wanna go to beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed! Oh bugger it, here we go then ... I felt a tiny pang of guilt about not doing much work yesterday so I had a decent session of chucking catalogues into envelopes. I also did a package for Waz which means I am officially two quid richer. Hmmmm, I seem to have run out of disk catalogues. I need 10 more. Hmmmm. Danny G rang me to blibble on about his cool funky package which arrived safely today. He also asked me how to install PlaySID onto his Amiga hard-drive. A huge techno-chat ensued. After a yonk and many failed attempts classic SID music poured out of his Amiga. Kenz the Amiga hero strikes once again. All this hard work was too much for me so the next few hours were spent sun-lounging. That's what Bomber wants. I wasn't given the task of collecting my little bruv from school but I did observe elven beauty from afar as she went to get her offspring. Even from two hundred yards away she is still beautiful. Later I ventured up the town. It was hot, damn HOT, It's like the planet Ryushi here at the moment (see 'Aliens vs Predator' - 'Prey'). I was expecting lots of scantily clad girls to be thrusting around the town but there wasn't much to satisfy my craving for females. I had to make do with posting my post and purchasing some Super Noodles from Safeways. I'll have those for my dinner tomorrow along with a microwave curry. Slavver! Sloo! Yiipppppeeeee! Guess which mag I found?! "Liz Hurley vs Teri Hatcher"! Phwwoooarrrr! Tits, jumblats, cleavage. I'm in heaven. Loads of scrummy pictures of Teri Hatcher are MINE at last! I think I've fallen in love with Liz Hurleys tits by the way. (Honk! Neat quote that). Trogged back home and lounged for a while. Then I watched a bit of telly, nattered on the phone to cool dudes like Jon Wells and FeekZoid and then watched more telly etc etc. My last task of the day was to set the video for 'War of the Worlds' which is on at some 'unearthly' (pun intended) hour. Actually, I haven't done that yet but I'm about to so go away you poo's! (Then I'm gonna read more 'Aliens vs Predator' - I'd better not observe that "Liz Hurley vs Teri Hatcher" mag, I don't want to pitch a tent in bed! HOHOHOHOHOHO!) From:- Kleavage. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Friday June 23rd 1995. "PISS OFF DODDERING OLD FOGIES!" Erps, soz about that ouburst. I've had a few problems standing in queues behind pensioners recently. IT'S GETTING TO ME!! ** F U M E ** ! This morning I received an interesting array of post. There was a package from Jerry of Triad with an apology about the mistake he made claiming that I had altered a Triad demo ... (Who me?!) He enclosed a list of about 3 million demos he has so we seem to be swappers now. Kewl! There was also a package from Jaz Kelk with some GREAT stuff in it. Lots of nice demos for me to add to 'Update 10'. Sorted. My 'chore of the day' was do hoovering. LOTS of hoovering. In fact, it took me about 4 HOURS to do the whole house. This was NOT fun and I was KNACKERED when I had finished. Everywhere is so clean you could perform open heart surgery on the floors! (I'd prefer it if you didn't, not on my nice hoovered carpets!) Lunchtime approacheth and my tummy was rimbling (tm). Vast amounts of curry and super noodles were cooked to perfection by me and then consumed while watching a Trek (TNG) episode. Classic! The sun was shining like a shiny thing which has been polished with 'duraglit' so the rest of the day was spent lounging. I finshed the 'Aliens vs Predator' book and spent hours just enjoying the sunshine. Clever (?) old me didn't get burnt either. Gaah, didn't see the elven beauty today. That sux. It was hungry work lounging all afternoon so large amounts of spare ribs, chips and 'nan bread' (shouldn't that be NARN bread?) were duly scoffed for my tea. Sodding smart meal. It hit the spot with 'stomach' written on it. Kev popped round in the evening. As the weather is so AMAZING we made plans for a humongous WATERFIGHT!! I checked on the ammo and assembled my combat team (I.E Mez and Collett). The weather forecast for tommorow looks superb ... What could possibly go wrong?! Leaped into bed and watched 'Psycho 2'. Whee! Whee! Whee! Stab! Gout! What a shite and unscary film that is. Goodnight, God bless etc. From:- Kamcorder. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Saturday June 24th 1995. "Hiiiiii theerrreee, can I come iiiiiiin?" (Said Mez ages ago). Here we are gang, it's WATERFIGHT day and yesterday I asked what could possibly go wrong. THE BASTARD WEATHER!! That's what. Last night they said today would start off cloudy and then brighten up with temperatures around 24 degrees. Brighten up MY ARSE! There was a thick cover of cloud ALL MORNING. Mez and Collett arrived as arranged but things were looking very doubtful. We departed from the Zone to buy various bits of ammo and some POP (Coke, it's the real thing). After all, if we don't have the waterfight today then our supplies will come in handy for when we do. We returned with 100 balloons (and some pop). While we were waiting for the sun to come bursting through the clouds we went through various tapes checking out interesting footage. Collett finally got to see Blossom in THAT dress. That's what Bomber wants. We also had a grin at a classic Bruce Lee tape I borrowed off Mike. At around this point sommat neat happened. The sun came out. This was the sign we were waiting for. We charged out of the house and made the preparations for WAR ("never been so much fun"). As Kev was coming later on we stockpiled water balloons ready for WATER KOMBAT! As cam was all set up on the tripod we also got some highly cool Bruce Lee-esque footage in the can. Amusing sfx to be dubbed on later. Then it all happened at once. Kev arrived and all hell broke loose. A myriad of water bombs were launched, super-soakers were unleashed, buckets of foamy water with socks in were slung and general chaos ensued. There were some classic moments when waterbombs just BOUNCED off! Mez said "on me 'ead son" and the balloon bounced impossibly off his head! Chortle! The hose was also used to add to the mayhem and the watering-can seemed to be a fave weapon of Kevs. What a HOOT! Plenty of smart footage for a muso-video in 'Xmas Chortles II' methinks. We all got soaked to the skin and it was a relief to change into some nice dry clothes I can tell ya. I was 'dripping freshly'! All this mayhem was VERY tiring so once everyone had departed (to get dry) I settled down for a quiet evening in. The film 'Universal Soldier' was on so I taped the sucker. ITV actually left the swearing IN! F(BEEP!)K ME! But it was edited for violence. FLAPS! Hit the sheets after that because I was KNACKERED. SNORE! From:- Kersplash! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Sunday June 25th 1995. "Shut up! Your gettin' on me wick!" (Another classic Mez quote). ZzZzZzZz ... Hunh? Frig! It's TEN O'CLOCK! Those were my first thoughts this morning. I must have been really knackered because I VERY rarely sleep in that late. Before I got up I noticed lots of crumbs in my bed. I couldn't remember eating anything in bed recently but then it dawned on me what they were. BITS OF SCAB! Yup, they must have come off my rapidly healing bike-wounds while I slept. Yeee-uuuckkk! That is GROSS. Boyoinged out of bed, got dressed and then skulled a cup of tea to make myself feel a bit more human. Watched Grange Hill and then the LAST episode of Ocean Odyssey. SOB! No more Neri on a Sunday. Who should arrive this morning. Someone who I don't think I've seen at all THIS YEAR ... The winner of the 1994 '9 Fingers Hair Award' ... Yup, it was SONIA! I ended up disappearing upstairs with her MUM! (Who made classic bouncy-bedspring noises on purpose to baffle everyone downstairs). I showed her some 'Xmas Chortles' and 'Caravan Capers' bits which she seemed to enjoy somewhat. Once they had gone it was luncheon time. Had a delish Sunday meal. Lots of pork. (fnarr!) Collett appeared after lunch and we narrowly missed being lumbered with washing up type chores. I gathered together some tapes, vids and disks and then zzzzoomed off to Mats. We had a bit of chortle while at Mats. Mucho copying of 'Voyager' on video ensued and I also got a couple of tapes of 'Pete & Dud' sorted for Android Spazms. Much fun (and joy and happiness) was had looking out of the window at girlies and shouting "we have sweets, we have puppies!". After a mass of copying and taping we decided to get going. I went for a quick "Johnny Cash" and while in the bog I saw a wide open window and fresh roll of bum-paper. HOY! As me and Collett were leaving we were all amused to see a bog-roll partially unravelled on the lawn. HOHOHO! Time for me to stop tapping this banter now. (I need a dump!) From:- 'Le Chien Frise'. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Monday June 26th 1995. "AchooooOOOoooOOoo!" Cloudy start to the day today chumblies. As the weather looked a bit ominous I decided to do some WORK! Dan DAAAARRR! Hucking fuge package from Waz arrived this morning. I know what is contained within. It's a T-Shirt featuring Beavis being 'The Great Cornholio' ... "I need TP for my bum-hole!" My cunning plan was NOT to open it until all my work was done. It was a sort of reward for getting my arse in gear (tm). Packages aplenty were constructed and many letters were typed. As time wore on the weather improved considerably. By lunch time the sun was ROARING down and I could hear the 'call of the lounger'! While I worked I listened to 'Derek & Clive' who swore profusely and caused a hoot or ten. I must snaffle some extracts from those tapes before I bung them to Android. When me work was done I rendered (carefully) my way into Waz's package. The T-Shirt is Grrrreat! (Well, Tony the Tiger liked it). Huh huh! Before my obligatory lounging session I plodded up the town to get rid my packages. Of course I wore my new T-Shirt which got a few strange looks ("Who is corn-hole?" etc). I also purchased some tellosape as I had run out and I SPOKE TO THE ANNALISE-ESQE BABE! Yessum, I bought a can of Coke (it's the real thing) but I didn't break into her knickers. (I broke into a sweat instead). Went ee-wee-wee all the way home and assembled the lounger which kept falling to bits (chortle!). Started to read 'Congo' again because the film is released at the end of this month. Can't wait for that. Sorted out my BZ disks in the evening. Waz sent me some MeanTeam demos so I worked on the 'MeanTeam Collection' for a while. I've lost the 'Yakki Daa' demo though. DOLT! To end the night I watched 'Universal Soldier' AGAIN. Don't ask me why. I think there were quite a few scenes cut out though. Frottage. Fak it. My hay-fever is playing me up tonight. I forgot to take an antipissmeoff pill this morning and paying dearly for that oversight now. My nose won't stop OOZING! I'm off to watch 'Attack Of The Saucer Men' in bed now. Goodlepip! From:- KLF (whatever happened to them?). -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Tuesday June 27th 1995. Swelter! Boil! Blummin' flip! Tropical temperatures or what? It's roasting at the moment which is "what Bomber wants". Did I zzoom outside onto the lounger? Bloody NO! I sat in the Zone doing a package for Jerry of Triad. This mammoth task took ALL MORNING!! I was still testing the disks while I prepared my DINNER! Gumph! For luncheon I had chips (AGAIN), pizzas and a few chicken nibbles which weren't that remarkable I must say. Tsk. After dinner I had a look at the new Speccy emulators which I got off Mat on Sunday. They are SMAART! They now emulate 128 music so I went on a huge hunt for 128 tunes through my speccy games collection. (Only found about four games with 128 music though. PANTS!) I had to collect my little brother from school today (arf!) The elven beauty was there and I had a good ogle. She looked cute as she had an ice lolly ... Did a spot of lounging in the afternoon and read a bit of 'Congo'. I also tried to work on a letter to Alf but I didn't get very far. Bah! I've GOT to post it tomorrow or there will be ... Trouble! The phone rang constantly in the evening. Nattered to Jaz Kelk, had my tea, nattered to the guys who run 'The Ultimate Commodore Diskzine' and also spoke to Jimbo (very briefly). Then I typed this. HO HOOOO! Before I go, here's my current top ten babes list for ya:- 1. Anita Dels / 2 Unlimited. 2. Teri Hatcher / Superman. 3. Madchen Amick / Twin Peaks. 4. Neri / Ocean Odyssey. 5. Gillian Anderson (Scully / X-Files). 6. Jet / Gladiators. 7. Michaela Strachan. 8. Gates McFadden (Dr Bev / Trek). 9. Anna Friel (Beth / Brookside). 10. Darcey Bussell (Ballet Babe). I was going to put Steffi Graf in at number 10 but I just couldn't drop that cute prima ballerina ... FTANG! Ooch, my shoulder is twinging so I'm off now. Have fun! From:- Knurdle. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Wednesday 28th June 1995. "Glue is a lie!" Gidday again mates! The weather continues to be astoundingly nice and like some sort of divvy I stayed inside all morning doing WORK! DOOIII? Yep, believe it or not I ignored the call of the lounger and actually got a few things sorted. While I worked I was also taping highlights of all the classic 'Derek & Clive' stuff I got for Android Robotnik. "Laugh? I nearly shat". After a "huge banquet" of Super Noodles I had about half an hour to spare before I had to go up the town and meet Mike. I decided to use this time to catch a few rays. The millisecond my arse hit the lounger the sodding PHONE RANG. Gaah! I then went up the town, got the SEUDS review copied for Alf and posted his letter along with a few other bits (including the package for Jerry I did on Tuesday). Met Mike and we departed from the town centre to Mikes abode. There was a poor turnout of girlies up the town by the way. Very disappointing. The biggest unanswered question is "where are the women" ... Ho hum. Anyway, the rest of the day was dominated by STAR TREK - VOYAGER. We watched ALL the episodes I got from Mat on Sunday and most of them were CORKERS in my opinion (the last two were a bit iffy though). I also got a bit of Commodore Zone typeset too. Today I've eaten four packets of crisps and have had two cans of coke. FART! PLAPH! FART! PLARPHLE! BRAP! FART! HONK! (I think that lot gave me the wind). Trudged home at about 10pm, it was still nice and warm! Apparently, today has been the hottest day of the year so far. Gibboo. Slight change of subject now, I've got an award to present. Recently, this person seems to have picked up many awards so this is yet another one for him to display proudly on his mantlepiece ... It gives me great pleasure to present the acclaimed "TWAT OF THE YEAR" award to HUGH GRANT! This stupid, smarmy, TWAT is not only very famous but he also gets to 'see to' the gorgeous Liz Hurley. What does he go and do? He goes and shags some damned ugly hooker in the states and gets arrested! What a TWAT! There goes his career (hopefully) and his girlfiend (hopefully). What do we all say to that? HAR HAR HAR!!! Serves him right. Getting back to the diary now, I watched 'Twilight Zone - The Movie', crashed into bed and ZzZzlept. SNORE! From:- Karnivore. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Thursday 29th June 1995. "What am I? A landing platform for sodding greenfly?!" Phew! This morning I was greeted by a blue sky once again, it's gonna be a scorcher! While I was waiting for things to hot up outside I had a really big laugh doing some BZ work (Ahumm). Although I did copying and letter typing I didn't seem to get any packages wrapped. Sod this for a lark. I began copying my episodes of Voyager for the chaps at 'TUCD'. While the vids were busy taping I completed my 'Derek & Clive' compi. It's full of CLASSIC stuff. Sorted. I then donned my trendy shorts, headphones, cap and shades and hit the lounger. A blissful couple of hours ensued. I absorbed lots of (harmful) rays while enjoying Bigod 20 music, Diet Coke (It's not quite the real thing) and my Congo book. One annoying thing about sunbathing is all the bastard insects that decide that I would be a good place to land. (flick, flick, FLICK OFF!) For din-dins I grilled some burgers, defrosted some baps (fnarr) and lashed on the barbeque sauce. They should have been SCRUMMY but I didn't enjoy them all that much. WEIRD! I then had a big bowl of ice cream which was actually a bit bleggy. STRANGE! After dinner I did a bit more lounging. It was actually a bit too hot to sunbathe, I hope I didn't cook myself (boil in the bag Kenz). Mummy rang me up and said she was going to be late so could I collect little bruv. No problemo! Off I marched in full 'babe surveillance mode'. I got to the school, collected my little bruv but I couldn't see the elven babe. SOB! As we walked home who should I see walking towards me wearing a flowing dress with a revealing split? It was HER! She was walking STRAIGHT TOWARDS ME. As we were in the confines of an alley there was only one thing I could do ... I gave her a dashing smile and was rewarded by a smile back!! GIBBBEERRRRR! She saw me! She acknowledged my existence and she SMILED At ME! She's even more lovely close up too. Her dress was quite 'loose fitting'. SIGH. How can she have a kid? She looks so YOUNG! The kid looks about 6 years old. Maybe she's an AU PAIR or something. Hmmmm. (Kenz takes a recess for 10 minutes to dwell on that thought). In the afternoon I wrapped up the bits I prepared earlier. After all that effort three fine packages were ready for posting. The first was an order I received this morning, the second was a tape and three Amiga disks and the third package was for Andrex Rhubarb (It contained his 'Derek & Clive' tapes - Fk'in eelllll, shit, tit, bum, arsehole). I ventured out into the intense heat to post my swag. There were quite a few nice girlies around which got a good ogling I can tell ya. Bought a can of REAL Coke (It's the REAL thing) and returned home. Watched 'Escape from Jupiter' which was pants. (Not as good as Ocean Odyssey). Farted around in the evening doing an adventure tape for someone. The lowlight of the evening was stubbing my toe something rotten on the sonofabitching chair in the kitchen. I thought I'd broken a toe! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (It still hurts now - at 11:07pm). HEHE! you know I said "I hope I didn't cook myself"? Well, my legs felt a bit sore and when I investigated they were rather RED! Ooops! I fink dats all. Ooooo, watched 'The Outer Limits' which was quite enjoyable'. Time now to lay in a course to the land of nod and ... ENGAGE! Zzzooom! Whoooooosh! From:- Throbbing Toe. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Friday June 30th 1995. "Lucky man, she's a honey!" Yowza gangoid, Kenz strikes back with more diary ramblings on the last day of June 1995. Yet another month slips by. Here's my top two highlights for this here mumf:- 1) The elven beauty. 2) The sunny weather. Gosh and golly. What did I get up on this humid day then huh? WORK! That's what. I made an attempt to clear out all the tapes I promised to do people and I completed the 'Voyager' tape for the guys at 'TUCD'. I also did a 3 hour 'Babylon 5' tape for Mikes mate and I snuck some 'Xmas Chortles' gags at the end ... (I put some classic material on the 'TUCD' tape and then used the same material on the 'Babylon 5' tape see?) Smashing stuff. (Literally). While my videos were taping I copied some Amiga disks that Danny G ordered and compiled him a really cool (in my opinion) ProTracker disk. It was f'kin ROASTING outside today. Too hot to lounge ... !! The heat is making all my pictures fall off the walls. BLOODY BLU-TACK! Andy Robot gave me a Bella Emburg. I don't know what I'm going to do with that fat lady ... HOOT! He received his 'Derek & Clive' tapes today. The weird thing is I only posted them yesterday and I sent them second class! We also nattered about all sorts of other things but I can't remember any of them because I'm TOO TIRED! Owww. Me sore toe's givin' me some gip. Wot else did I doo? Went up the town and bumped into the very lovely Kerry Gilbert. What a pretty girly she is (and always will be). She gets a big 'SLOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBEEEEEEEERRRRRRR' from me. Posted my bulgy parcels (fwoo), copied my copies and then forged onwards to Mikes. The rest of the day was dominated by 'Star Trek - The Final Unity' which is a bloody excellent 'Star Trek - The Next Generation' CD ROM game for the PC. I must have played it for over 5 hours. Pure bliss. Mikes mate Chris appeared for a while and I must say he is a bit of a whiffy person. I seem to remember back in 1993 he "stunk Mikes house out with his B.O." ... ! HEHE! Lumme! I had a bag of Pork Crackles and actually enjoyed them. They could be making a comeback! Yippee! Trudged home in a knackered condititon and typed in this shite. (I mean, fascinating banter). On those wise words I will bid you farewell until next month. Goodbye, sweet dreams etc. From:- Kolgate -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-