Tuesday August 1st 1995.

"I've got a problem with Dana Scully ...  I think I love her".

Oobly Boobly Scumboids!

Well, looky here.  It's August.  Once again I awoke to see a clear
blue sky outside.  Another day of intense heat loomed.  Strangely, I
must have had a good toss (kyakk!) and turn in bed because I was all
mixed up in bedclothes when I woke up.

The post was a load of pants today so I rigged up the Super-Duper
Nintendo and spent much of today roaring around F-Zero tracks and
leaping around Mario World.  Surprisingly good fun that was too!

I did do a miniscule bit of work at one point.  Some kind person
was patiently waiting for 15 quids worth of PD so I got his order
sorted and then sweltered up the town to post it.

Despite the 90 degree temperatures the 'tottyometer' didn't register
much up the town.  I walked through the park and saw that the outdoor
swimming pool was HEAVING today.  The world and his wife went for a swim.

Babylon 5 kicked some serious arse this evening.  What a CORKING episode!
Pity I taped on a really crappy old tape.  I really could do with some
decent new blank vids at the moment.  I had to record over 'Krull' and
'Legend' with eight classic episodes of the 'X-Files'.

Yippee!  I'm happy to announce that today we had a bit of rain and
thunder.  Maybe that will clear the air a tad.  

Not much else to bore you with really, I attempted to design some
video labels for my new 'X-Files' tape and the printed result was
a complete crock of shit.  Ho hum.

I'm outa here!

From:-  Kenz - "Space adventurer, hero and general rogue" ... !

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Wednesday August 2nd 1995.

Hiya ganglets!

How come when I go to use my Amiga a mass of JUNK has always invaded
my mouse-mat?!  On that small area two remote controls and a joystick
had gathered.  "Looks like a god-damn town meeting"!

But enough about that crap.  I had a bloody TERRIBLE nights sleep
last night.  Many disturbing dreams ...  Me not like.

Once my brain was in gear I remembered Anna Friel was on the 'Big
Breakfast'.  What a wonderful start to the day, she looked beautiful!

You will be glad to hear (?) that the impossible heatwave continues.
Mom tells me that according to the weather bods we haven't had heat
like this since the 1940's!  Whew!

As it is just TOO HOT to lounge I stopped in the mighty Zone and
beat up my in-tray.  I got eight assorted things ready to posted
and then I jolly well walked to the post-box and bunged them in.

Cor blimey guv'!  I just ejected a tape from my video and it was
HOT!  No, it didn't contain CERT XXX DUTCH EROTICA, it was hot to
the touch.  I'm now going to watch the 'X-Files' episode called
'ICE' which should cool down my trusty vid.  (HEHE!  As if!)

There was a CLASSIC 'Next Generation' episode on tonight.  It was the
one called 'Relics' with Scotty in it!  Great stuff.  I rang FeekZoid
to remind him it was on but he already knew.  Kewl.

Yummy-yum!  Stir-fry with rice for tea.  Slavver!  Sloo!  Drool!

I rounded off today by watching a film with Cybill Shepherd in it.
She spent a decent chunk of the film cavorting round in her bra.
I ended up adding her to my 'infinite babes list'.  Guffaw!

Globber!  There's a wasp-nest in next-doors house.  Bogus!  I HATE wasps.
(and spiders, ants, flies and unknown green insects which keep appearing
in here etc etc).

Hokay, I'm off to watch the aforementioned 'X-Files' episode.

Have a drink on me!  (and pay for it yourself).

From:-  Kasper.

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Thursday August 3rd 1995.

"Pacers, Treets, Spangles and Space Dust".

Crumbs, I'm feeling a tad tired.  I really want to be typing this stuff
now, oh yes.  "Oi, bed, NOOOOOOOOOO!".  Oh, okay, I'm fibbing.  I require
SLEEP.  Lots of it, right now.

Hmmm, I feel much better after that moan.  Right, it's time for ACTION!

As soon as I woke up the telly went ON.  Sarah Thompson from Home & Away
was appearing on 'The Big Brekkie' so that was compulsory viewing.  Things
got a bit uncool when she dressed up as a chicken.  How could they do that
to her?!  She is soooo CUTE.  Bok, bok, bok-aaaaarp!

I then staggered around making vague attempts at getting up.  My little
brother kept pestering me to let him play on my SNES so I let him venture
off into Mario World.  (I earned him 50 lives which should keep him going
for a while!  CACKLE!)

Postie arrived bringing me more MONEY.  All this amazing weather is NOT
helping my in-tray.  The only work I got done today was a package for
Frostie which contained TWENTY FOUR DISK-SIDES OF SWAG and a letter to
a guy in Ireland.  I gushed and enthused about my new overseas prices
to him.  Will he send me some dosh?  I doubt it ...  Ho hum.

Dinner today consisted of some rubbery eggs and dry toast.  That meal
scored an enjoyment factor of 3 (out of infinity).

What else did I get up to?  Ummm, had sex with various gorgeous girls,
visited exotic and exciting faraway lands and saved the universe as
we know it.

Oh, and when I had finished daydreaming I visited Rich, offloaded my
new FeekZoid modules onto him and had a Dynablaster session (coool).
I then continued onto Mikes house and we watched 'The Abyss' (Special
Edition).  What a great film.

Plodded home in the DARK and then updated this here diary.

Now that all the JUNK is removed from my bed I'm going to get into it
and catch some z's.

Stay cool!

From:-  Big Geek.

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Friday August 4th 1995.

"Cunt you, bollox, cont you, kdd ghid, ssnmmcchhwah!, biollox, cunt yu."

Oh dear, that opening quote was written when I got back from the pub in a
completely pissed and generally shit-faced condition.  I did actually try
to do the whole diary but as I was wrecked all I managed to type was:-

"Judt tg0tj gbwck from thhe 0pu h , trwlly, pissed.  ggodbrye/"

Not very impressive I'll admit but it revealed my state of mind at that
particular moment in time.

I'm feeling much better now so I'll get on and regail you with todays
events ...  Here's goes nothing!

The mammoth task of hoovering the ENTIRE house was assigned to me today.
Just think, I used to COMPLAIN when the cleaners were here, now I have
to do their job ...  Poetic justice.

It took me about 4 HOURS to get the naffy, poxing housechores done.  I
didn't get the chance to do any BZ work this morning.  Shite on a kite!

The afternoon however was a different kettle of kippers entirely.  I did
my 'blue arsed fly' routine and got an entire package (gosh!) and my bank
stuff all ready before I dashed up the town.  Juuust made it to the bank
in time and got my dosh paid in.  Pheeeewwie!  I was betting swuckets
after that manic journey I can tell ya!

Once back home I had a bit of a rest and munched a tasty packet of
Pork Crackles.  It was then time for me to prepare myself for THE PUB!

Mez and Collett were already there by the time I arrived and we sat
outside for a change which was very pleaseant indeedy.  We chatted about
all the usual subjects (tits) and skulled an interesting assortent of
drinks.  Things got a bit chilly so we continued to get blasted inside.

Smiley babe was there as per usual.  Her smile was so infectious that I
looked at her, she looked at me, my face cracked into a broad smile as
did hers.  Nice little moment that.  I had a chat with Heidi who told
me that the lads (Matt and Phil) had gone to Lukes stag-party which was
to last for about FOUR DAYS!  Blimmin' crickey!

Due to mixing drinks my condition deteriorated sharply.  I was sloshed!
I staggered home, attempted to write this diary but you saw the results
of my efforts at the start of todays banter.

Crashed into bed and fell asleep with the room spinning around me.  SNORE!

From:-  Kaffreys.

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Saturday August 5th 1995.

"I thought it was the worlds biggest moth but it was a pair of kegs!".

Groan.  GROAN!  GRROOOOOAAANN!

I awoke with a real double-whammy headache this morning.  My stomach felt
like it was full of petrol so there was only one thing for it.  BLOOAARGH!

I felt a lot better after that!  I then hit the medicine cabinet and
skulled some foul alka-seltzer.  For the first time in history I kept
it down!  I usually spuke it all up instantly but today I was strong in
my mountain etc etc.

Had a couple more hours kip and then got washed and dressed, lurched out
into the garden and lounged for HOURS!  This was a SUPERB way of getting
over my huge motherhumper of a hangover.  The alka-seltzer helped clear
my head and stomach and the fresh air made me feel almost human again.

To aid my recovery I had a big glass of coke (the REAL thing) with lots
of ice in it which got rid of my 'trench-mouth' problem.  I then craved
savoury food so another bag of pork-crackles was munched.  SORTED!

Kev appeared in the afternoon and we unleashed the super-soakers on all
the insects in the garden.  It's was good to annoy them for a change!
The wasps, bees and butterflies were JUDGED although there were no
actual terminations.

After Kev departed we went into Worcester to buy some grub.  A mass of
tasty southern-fried chicken was bought which we ate by the river.
There was a near endless stream of tasty nosh - almost too much in
fact!  It sure hit the spot.

And that my friends, was today.  A morning of hangover recovery, an
afternoon of insect soaking and an evening of southern-fried chicken.

Adios once again Amiga!

From:-  Full tummy.

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Sunday August 6th 1995.

"Nah, we'll know when it's ...  WHOOOOOOMMMMMMPPPHHHH!!!!"

Dear Diary,

I devised a cunning plan for this sunny Sunday.  I decided to get off
my ARSE and do some WORK!  Yup, I'm getting pretty tired of always being
overwhelmed with things to send out so now seems a good time to bloody
well do something about it!

Just as I started to duplicate disks I noticed I only had 3 envelopes
left.  FROG SPAWN!  Hmmm, not a problem, I parcel-wrapped one of the
larger orders and just concentrated on getting disks ready rather than
using my envelopes on sending out catalogues.  To keep me company while
I toiled I played some of the tapes that Waz sent me and then enjoyed
the album 'Into the night' by 'Exchange'.  Great stuff!

For my Sunday lunch I feasted on delicious PORK with all the usual stuff
that accompanies a Sunday meal.  I was stored after that little lot.

As well as working through various orders I compiled some new C64 PD
disks and prepared four Amiga disks for Danny G which were crammed with
classic FeekZoid modules.  I also began work on updating the 'FeekZoid
module list' and tapped in details of his new tunes.

I then got sidetracked from working because I decided to repair the
stereo leads on the video downstairs.  We now have full Pro-Logic Dolby
Surround downstairs again.  Bliss!  I tested the system by playing my
Star Wars anthology soundtrack video for a few hours.  Awesome!

Then it was about time I retired to beddiebobs.  I settled down to
read the end of Congo and then ...  ABRUPT BLACKNESS!  Powercut time!
And to make it worse the power came back on at around 3am, switching
on the halogen security lamp outside which WOKE ME UP.  Gaaah!  That
was when I noticed all the clocks in my room need to be reset.  JIZZ!

And thus endeth today!  What a hoot today was not.  Gerraahtavit!

From:-  Kanyalifeka, 'the place of fire'.

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Monday August 7th 1995.

"My farts stink like skunks".

Hiya!

Hmmm, today actually feels like a Tuesday.  Don't know why.  Strange that!

Oooh, erk!  Plop attack time!  Absolutely no post for me whatsoever.  I
guess that gives me an extra day to get up to date but a little bit of
money would have been nice!

Despite the lack of fresh funds I ploughed on through my in-tray and got
ALL my orders sorted.
 
Yippeeee!  I finished updating the 'FeekZoid module list' and got a copy
sent of to Danny G along with the other swag he requested.  Right on!

I had fantastically tasty ham sarnies for my lunch.  These were complimented
with a packet of ASDA prawn cocktail flavoured crisps.  I then had a thick
and creamy yoghurt for my pudding which was pretty neato.

Ventured up the town in the afternoon but I didn't get baked in the hot
sun because it was quite overcast today.  The tight-top brigade was out
in force though and lots of orbs seen to be thrusting.  PHWOOOARR!!

I forgot to pay my money into the bank today.  Giboo!

I spent the afternoon doing yet MORE work type stuff.  Ho hum.  I then
'dibble-dabbled' on the C64 and pithered around compiling some disks and
farting around with the occasional demo.  Fun, fun, FUUUN!  (Not).

There was a bloody smart episode of 'The Outer Limits' on tonight.
Robert Patrick played a guy who had been captured in a war with these
big alien geezers.  He was locked up with this chick who was being
surgically altered to become one of the aliens.  Just before she was
totally changed he tried to give her hope by telling her about a huge
offensive that was going to kick alien ass.  That was when she informed
him that she wasn't being changed INTO an alien but was in fact being
changed BACK to an alien from a human.  She then went off with a big
alien geezer leaving Robert Patrick screaming in his cell.  A classic
twist at the end there!

I ended things by typing up some news for 'Commodore Zone' and was pretty
pleased with the results.  My old writing flair returned briefly!  (so
what happened to it when it came to doing this then eh Kenz?)

Oh sod off!

From:-  Kardassian.

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Tuesday August 8th 1995.

"Matts directors chair has suddenly sprouted a starfield".

How ya doin?

The legacy of my neverending battle with the beastly in-tray continued
once more today.  After I had devoured some bran type things with massive
bits of dried-up fruit in it I unleashed my wrath on my pile of work.
(Well, I started some tapes duplicating and tapped out some letters).

While I was sorting through the aforementioned in-tray I found a request
for a catalogue which was posted to me at the end of MAY!  *BOGGLE*!
There were a few others which were almost as old that too!  Ooooops!
Grovelly letters were duly typed and complimentary disks were included
with catalogues.  The question is, will I hear from any of them again?!

I had yet another pile of honey-roasted ham sarnies with just a touch
of mustard for my lunch.  Omm-yomm!  This was followed by crisps and
a yoghurt.  That stopped my stomach from rimbling (tm) for a while.

The afternoon was spent preparing more catalogues to be posted and I
also began work on updating my entire tape range!  Yup, this awesome
task began with me testing demos on 'BZT007 - Music Non-Stop' to see
if any harsh language was present.  So far so good folks, no sign of
the work 'f*ck', 'bollocks' or 'tits' yet.  (or 'twat').

My usual 'trip to the town' was then in order to offload the impressive
array of post I managed to cobble together.  I also got a 5 piddly copies
done after being forced to wait for AGES in the copy place.  SHITT!  I
also remembered to actually pay some money into the bank and then I
letched, I mean, LOOKED around the town before returning to the Zone.

There was a weird episode of Babylon 5 today.  The lovely Delenn had a
REALLY bad day because she got tortured by Jack the Ripper.  Hmmmm.

After I wolfed down my tea which was an interesting 'stew' I whizzed
round to Mikes to watch 'Star Trek - Generations' on video!  It's already
available to rent even though it was only released in February this year.
The film was highly enjoyable (again) and rekindled my love for Dr Bev.
She is an utter FOX!

Froze my bollox off returning home.  No cloud cover meant freezing
temperatures for Kenz.  Not good.

There ya go, that wasn't such a chore was it?!

See ya tomorrow then.

From:-  Chocolate Fireguard.

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Wednesday August 9th 1995.

"Tee hee!  I'm me and you're not!"  (Quoteth Kenz just then).

Hellooooooo!

Welcome to Wednesdays wallabies ... (?)  (Cue huge belch from audience).
Oh frisnit, my brain is not quite aligned with reality.  I blame toilets.

But enough parping, let me define your reality.  Indeed it is time I
shouted from the rooftops this days events.  "HERE WE GO!"

I woke up.  Yep, that's the first thing I did today.  Then I had a cup
of tea.  Good stuff so far huh?

Post was pants again.  ONE request for a catalogue and nowt else.  I didn't
even manage to get that sorted either!!  OO-ECK!

My sister Julie popped in today, we sat around on the loungers and had a
good natter about clubbing, pubbing and me getting pissed on holiday.

While we were rambling about the joys of drinking, my little brother and
her little kiddy (Lee) were playing around filling up the paddling pool
type thing.  They were also spraying everything with super soakers too.
That is when Lee did 'CLASSIC THING OF THE DAY'.  He was backpedalling
away from the soaker, forgot the paddling pool was behind him and then
SPLOOOOSH!  Fully clothed he fell straight in!!  CHORTLE!  MIRTH!  It
was a classic 'you've been framed' type incident except it wasn't
caught on film.  Darn ...  There goes 250 smackeroonies!

Of course, this meant NO WORK AT ALL was being done by me so upstairs
I went to see what's what.  I continued to test 'BZT007 - Music Non-Stop'
and the good news is:-  Every single demo I tested loaded perfectly.  The
bad news is:-  Most of them need to be edited for swearing or re-copied
NEATLY.  I guess I didn't know all that much about code when I compiled
that tape.  I just can't wait to redo the entire thing ... !  (Hmmmm).

Oh, er, ah ...  Wot else?  I taped 'Have I got OLD news for you' which
was mucho fun and joy and happiness.  It's good to see the classic ones
again.  But will I remember to watch it next week?  Crom only knows.

Fraggin' hell, I can't be armchaired to tap anything else so I'm off now
(like a bottle of milk that has been left in the sun all day - WONK!)

Sling yer 'ook then!

From:-  Trance Lunar Paradise.

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"Mumia abu-jamal has been on death row for a while!".

Thursday August 10th 1995.

Jinkeys!  Here I am again with more techno-waffle for you to inwardly
digest.  Talking of digesting and waffles, that's exactly what I had
for lunch today.

Leading up to lunch were more vague attempts at clearing my in-tray.
I'm very nearly right up to date but this morning I just couldn't get
motivated.  (Or should I say "Mr Motivator is a GET"??).  I did manage
to compile an Amiga disk for Jaz Kelk though.  It's STUFFED with C64
piccies which have been ported onto the Amiga.  He's just gonna luurve
them!  I constructed an Amiga mock-up of 'Kung Fu Warrior' to send too.

That LITTLE lot lead up to din-dins time which I mentioned just a few
moments ago.  Oh, and I had some SUPER NOODLES and PIZZA with the waffles
yer-fraggin'-ummy!

The afternoon saw a bit more work being done.  I ambled up the town to
post the few bits I prepared.  Plenty of tasty chicks were around the
town which made it a pleasant journey.

Yippee!  They are repeating the last series of 'Byker Grove' to feature
the lovely Nicola Bell.  She wasn't in todays episode though.  BOO HOO!

A new legend was born today, a phoenix rose from the ashes.  'UPDATE 10'
was officially BEGUN!!  For the first time in history I am going to release
a catalogue update on DISK which meant much farting around with notewriters
ensued.  So far it's looking pretty damn neat!

Ummm, didn't do much else ...  Oh, I set the video for 'War Of The Worlds'.

Enuff of thisss.  I'm GONE.  See you TOMORROW!  OO-EE-OO!  Gibber!

From:-  Someone who is very nearly 24 years old!!

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Friday August 11th 1995.

"You're only as old as the girl you want to feel.  (SIXTEEN!!!!)."

Happy birthday to Kenz, Happy birthday to Kenz, Happy biiiiirthday to
KEEEEeeeeenz, Happy birthday to Kenz!

Yippy-yup, EVERYBODY CELEBRATE!!  Crack open a bottle of 'Dom-Perignon'
and be merry for today is my 24th birthday.  On this very day 24 years
ago the universe took a change for the better.  I popped into the world
with a loud "LIBBLE-SLITCH!!"

Hoooray!  Rapture!  Joy!  etc etc.  Actually, this fine day began with me
being turfed out of bed at 7:30am for an early breakfast downstairs before
everyone went to boring old WORK.  Yawn!  Stumble!

A plethora of parcels awaited me with plenty of amusing cards which
caused a chuckle or two.  After some paper-shredding the following array
of gifts were laid out before me:-

1.  A shiny new leccy razor because both of my old ones are KNACKERED
    and ELECTRICALLY UNSAFE and have DAMAGED FOILS which sever my face!

2.  A 'Beavis & Butt-Head' mug.  Huh huh!  Cool!  Mh!  That rules!

3.  Star Wars - Digitally remastered WIDESCREEN version (more about this
    in a moment).

4.  DOSH from my Nan to spend on the Babylon 5 CD which she tried to get
    me but wasn't available yet.

5.  A new leather watch strap!  My old one fell to bits so my Mom craftily
    pinched my watch and had a new strap fitted.  Niiice one.

6.  Three blank E240 BBC videos because I ain't got ANY blank vids left!

7.  A mucking fuge bar of cadbruys chocolate.  Yam yam!

8.  A great big CAKIE!  More scoffum.

Good stuff.  I like birthdays me!

Things returned to normal after all that and I even got a package done
for a BZ member!  On my birthday too!  WOWOWOWOW!

I just HAD to check out Star Wars so into the video it went.  Uh oh,
hold on ...  Somethings wrong ...  NOT WIDESCREEN and NOT EVEN THE
REMASTERED VERSION.  Cobblers.  Back to HMV it must go!

In the afternoon I took my little brother into Worcester and we met
up with Mummy for a MuckDonalds.  We then went to the flicks to see
'Batman Forever' (again) which was still pretty frooooopy.

While in Worcester I got some photocopies done and the cute blonde
chick sorted them for me.  She has a NICE ASS and generally gives
me the fakkin 'orn.  Oh, I got my Star Wars tape changed and the
gumby in HMV located the correct tape.

Once back home I just HAD to check out Star Wars so into the video
it went.  Uh oh, hold on ...  Somethings wrong ...  The entire tape
was completely BLANK!

In the evening a mass of us descended on the Castle for a SPLENDID meal
to shelebrate my burpday.  Chicken Tikka was yummed down by me followed
by a gargantuan slice of cake which was the equivalent of eating a JAR
OF CREAM!  Boilk.  Lashings of lager were also skulled.

The castle was BABE CITY!  Amongst many others I was pleased to see:-
Cute red-head chick (and I mean CUTE!, REALLY CUTE!) wearing a white
tight top as usual (thrust!), SLAG and of course, Smiley babe!  Sigh.

That was my birthday that was.  And now I'm 24.  Shit happens!

Bye-bye then!  From a slightly older but none the wiser KENZ!

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Saturday August 12th 1995 - Day of the fakkin 'orn!

"Christ on a bike".

Blerble, egogg!  When I awoke this morning I expected to feel slightly
pants-esque but actually I was fully functional!  So surprised was I by
this fact that I didn't actually do anything in the morning!  Oh ho!

I did manage to summon the energy to watch the ace 'Batman' cartoon.
"Taking a dirt-nap" HEHE!  Cool quote to describe deadness there.

Kev popped round in the afternoon.  Not much soaking action occurred
though.  Three of the four Super Soakers require maintenance.  Blaaah.

In the afternoon I was surprised to find that my duff copy of Star Wars
had been exchanged for a new one!!  Tee hee!  My crafty parents changed
it without me knowing.  Wot a nice surprise.

As the evening approached I prepared myself for a SEVERE evening of
boozing in WORCESTER!  For some reason Mez wants to get oiled (fwib!)
in that fine city.  Me and Collett had no problem with that.

We forged onwards to the train station only to discover that the next
train to Worcester arrived in FORTY MINUTES!  Fak that!  Mez then did
a heroic act.  He rang his Mom and she gave us all a lift.  GOOD STUFF!

It wasn't long before we were supping grog in the 'Crown'.  Mez unleashed
a birthday card on me.  It featured an 'Alpha Centuri' stamp on it complete
with aliens.  Interestingly, to get a card posted from Alpha Centuri it now
costs 10,000 Gzadzeks.  Quite reasonable that.  On the back of the envelope
was a picture of Pete Cook saying "I declare this envelope well and truly
open.  Kant!"

Inside was a ANOTHER pic of Pete Cook saying "FFFFAKKIN ELLLLL!  Don't be
a miserable old kant!  Getting pissed out of me head gives me the fakkin
'orn.  Kant!".  He also exclaimed "CANCER", "Twenty four???  That gives
me the ffakkin 'ooorrrnn!" and of course, quite simply, "Kant!"  HEHEHE!

All this mention of the fakkin 'orn was to continue non-stop throughout
the night!  There was this cute chick with a midriff-tastic grey top on
and short skirt who was giving us the fakkin 'orn.

After around three pints we went left the extremely NOISY 'Crown' which
announced about three thousand times that they were giving away condoms.
With three of us having the fakkin 'orn they will need a lorryload of
the fakkin blobs!  FAK!  KANT!

'Barrels' was our next destination.  We stood in the 'garden' area with
our tankards of grog and observed many attractive young ladies who gave
us even more fakkin 'orn.  We were privileged to see the QUEEN of the
FAKKIN 'ORN! She was a REALLY tasty bird with large knockers wearing a
TIGHT white dress and NO FAKKIN KNICKERS!  That REALLY gave us the fakkin
'orn.  FFFFF'KIN EEEELLLLLLLL!  How pissed did we get that night?  Enough
to get the fakkin 'orn constantly!

Several pints later we lurched to the BALTI HOUSE.  Me and Collett ordered
chicken tikka baltis which were BRIGHT RED (and fakkin HOT!) while Mez went
for a more normal looking balti.  After much chomping on naan bread and
balti bits we left all our money on the table, made a big mess and then
staggered towards home.  We sat in the park briefly while I hiccupped for
several minutes.  We then walked a few more miles before hailing a taxi
which took us all the way hoooome (and cost a fakkin fortune).

I then lumbered upstairs and crashed into bed.

THE END (of today).

From:-  Fakkin 'orn.

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Sunday August 13th 1995.

"Oh look at Jeremys attire, isn't it amusing".

Groan.  What hit me?  It have been having the fakkin 'orn all night.  Hmmm.
Actually, considering the sheer amount of MURPHY'S I skulled last night I
didn't feel all that bad.  KEWL!

As soon as I was up and around the phone rang.  It was Mez.  He and Collett
were ready for a trip to the UCI cinema (Collett crashed at Mez's place see)
so I had to hastily get ready to evac the Zone.

A lengthy drive to Dudley followed with a bit of 'road rage' from Collett
thrown in due to other spazzy drivers.  Mez completely STUNK OUT the car
on a couple of occasions thanks to smelly balti farts!  As we neared our
destination we did an entire orbit of the Merry Hill centre before
descending on the UCI cinema.  My contribution to last nights taxi fare
was buying Colletts cinema ticket.  No problemo.  Collett practically RAN
into the cinema because he was 'touching cloth' and he needed to shit the
cinema toilets to pieces.  BALTI POWER!!

As we had an hour to kill before the film we had a quick journey through
the Merry Hill shopping mall.  I purchased a picture of Scully because
she gives me the FAKKIN 'ORN!!  We then used the wrong door to leave the
shopping centre (my fault) and had to walk about half a mile to the cinema.

Me and Mez bought HOT DOGS at the cinema which I think was the first
time I ever did that!  They were sodding lovely too - especially with
BOTH mustard AND ketchup on.  Sloo.

And then it was time for the FILM.  What did we go to observe?  The most
expensive film EVER made ...  "Waterworld".  The film was actually quite
entertaining.  It was sort of 'Mad Max' meets 'The man from Atlantis'.
Kev Costners boat was pretty funky and the way he jumped and swung
around it was a bit good.  There were some GREAT moments in the film
(Atoll being attacked, tanker blowing up and killing about a million
people etc) and Jeanne Triplehorn gave me the (guess what?!?!) ...
All in all, a good film which should NOT have cost over 200 million
Gzadzeks to make.

The obligatory 'KFC' was then consumed before we returned to Droiters.
Collett and Mez departed and I instantly activated 'slob mode' because
I was KNACKERED.

In the evening I watched my Star Wars tape on the downstairs pro-logic
system. That film is completely CLASSIC and the widescreen version kicks
some severe ARSE.

My next mission objective was CRASH INTO BED.  Gunfright!

From:-  Koopa Troopa.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"HO HO HO!  Which poor twat had to clean that up?!"

Monday August 14th 1995.

Ho hum.

What a shitty day I had today.  Things started off with the post being
crap (no money with people wanting stuff for nothing).  Not good.

After an unexciting breakfast which was not NOT enhanced with semi-skimmed
(semi-skilled!) milk I did a huge amount of NOTHING.  That took care of the
morning.

For lunch I had a HUGE plate of beans with sossies on toast and watched
some of the 'War Of The Worlds' episode I taped last thursday.  Bit of
a gory episode that one!

In the afternoon I made vague attempts at doing work and got two packages
ready to post.

The phone kept ringing while I worked which was bl**dy a**oying!

In the evening I watched 'Buck Rogers' (eebly-beebly) and a pretty neat
episode of the 'Outer Limits' (micro-medical robots turn bloke into mutant).

Jorden Van Der Elst rang to inform me that he is definately going to visit
the Zone soon.  He was also wondering where the 30 quids worth of PD he
ordered had got to.  I decided to duplicate all the disks he requested
which represented the END of my current supply of blank disks.  Oh dear.

And now, with Blade Runner on both the telly and in my video I will leave
you.  What a CRAP day.  Yah boo sucks!

From:-  Roy Batty.

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Tuesday August 15th 1995.

"Phil is having an ANUS ESCAPE!"

Ay up chums.

There was a nice surprise for me in todays post.  One of my trusty members
(kwoof!) sent me an audio tape which contained MIDI remixes of some classic
C64 themes.  The guys who did it were mentioned in CF a while back and I
did intend to drop them a line about it (honest guv!).  The music is pretty
good, it follows the original compositions quite accurately.  The only
problem is it sounds a bit 'samey' after a while.

Ummmm, what else happened?  I probably did some work.  Can't remember
really.  Don't care.

Oh yeah, I dismantled the Zone and CAREFULLY put my two Anita pics in a
MASSIVE fother-mucker of a jiffy-bag so I could get colour copies of them
done for Tony Gibbs.

Sob!  Sniffle!  It was the last episode of 'Babylon 5' tonight!  BOO HOO!
No more big battles, no more Talia Winters, no more DELENN!  Blub!  Sob!
Some pretty weird shit occurred in todays episode.  Kosh finally left
his encounter suit and flew around the station.  Errrrm, okay!

I could REALLY use some blank disks at the moment gang.  HELP MEEE!

Enough of this garbage, I'm outa here!

From:-  Kuthbert in the jungle.

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Wednesday August 16th 1995.

"Now what the f*ck are we supposed to do?!"

Sodding crikey gang, I had a REALLY bad nights sleep.  I woke up at around
2am and as it was sooooo hot I just tossed, turned, did a manta flip and
generally messed up my bed.  It took me about an HOUR to get to sleep and
when I woke up I was REALLY shattered.  Doh.

Ooo-eck!  A huge jiffy arrived for me this morning bulging with the first
issue of 'Commodore Zone'!!  I must say that Jason Kelk has done a pretty
damn splendid job typesetting the mag.  Now what's needed is a bit of
wheeling and dealing to get the magazine mass duplicated.  Easy peasy!
(I 'ope!)

Just to rain on my parade my phone bill also arrived.  So I need money to
buy disks, money to pay the phone bill and I have no money.  Not good.

I was still determined to win the fight with my in-tray so I forged on
with my work.  I tapped out a letter to those dudes who did the MIDI zax,
sorted out a GIGANTIC jiffy for Jorden and I also got plenty of foreign
cataloges ready to be posted.

For din-dins I had some 'Power Rangers' on toast (really!) and a can of
the real thing.  The it was time for me to hit THE TOWN.  Globule!

As I journeyed bravely through the heat my eyes were given 'treat of the
day'!  Walking towards me was a rather pretty girl wearing a tight black
top which had 'HANDS OFF' written across her tits!  Her tits made the
writing hard to read so I had to scrutinize her top for a while.  ORBS!
(Whizzo excuse there or what?!)

I finally made it to the town but strangely my jeans didn't fit any more.
HONK!  Ummmm, ahem!  I dumped my packages off at the 'pist-office' and
only had to pay just over a quid because I had loads of overseas coupon
thingies.  HEHE!  Jordens package cost £2.82 and there were letters to
Australia, Ireland etc.  Reply coupons RULE!

Then I hit WHSmiths (good left hook across the temple) and was delighted
to see that adhesive plastic on special offer.  That's what Bomber wants!
I also purchased a 'Wallace & Gromit' birthday card for my little brother
and also picked up a neat prezzie for him ('Invincible Vinnie' - Biker
Mice from Mars toy).

Back at the Zone I started on a package for Feeky.  I had some fun
archiving and disk-mashing software.  I managed to fit 3 disks worth
of swag onto ONE DISK!  Ye-essss!

I was REALLY looking forward to my tea tonight because we were having a
BALTI!  Unfortunately, some DUMB ASS (not me matey) forgot take the chicken
out of the freezer.  To make up for this I was treated to spare ribs and
chips from Mrs Chans.  YAAAAY!  The chips were a bit naff though.  BOOO!

That grub gave me a RAGING thirst which I slaked with litres of coke and
a couple of glasses for iced water.

After all those fun and frolics I watched 'Have I got old news for you'
which was pretty funny in places I spoze.

Bed beckoned at that point so in I jumped.  Snoozle!

From:-  Kollett.

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Thursday August 17th 1995.

"I don't know what's in there but it's weird and pissed off whatever it is".

Biddle-e-ow-yowwwwww!  (Miami Vice in-game music impression there).

What a strange dream I had last night readers.  I was in a shopping centre
and there was a huge rollercoaster in the middle of it.  Of course I had
to have a go on it.  There I was, trundling around on this coaster for
ages before 'the big drop' and it really ZOOMED like a bastard.  Instead
of angled drops this bleeder went STRAIGHT DOWN!  While I was descending
REALLY rapidly I got this odd sensation in my throat and mouth.  I turned
to whoever was next to me to mention this fact and I realised I was spuking
up everywhere!  Big chunks were glugging all over my clothes and I didn't
even realise I was being sick at first due to the speed of the ride.  The
only other thing I remember is getting off the ride and casually wiping
off the puke while pretending I hadn't really been sick at all.  Hmmmmm.

Not the best start to any day I'll admit.  Sheesh.  Anyway, it's my
little brothers birthday today!  Happy birthday to David.  He is now a
lively, bouncing six year old!  It seems like only five years since he
was, erm, one!  I was turfed out of bed REALLY early with visions of
rollercoasters and spuke still fresh(ly dripping) in my mind.

After watching my brother open lots of ace toys and cards which contained
more money than I get in a WEEK I examined my own post.  What a load of
boring old cobblers.  Blaaaah.  Only one thing for it ...  SUN LOUNGER!
I was kept company by Ray and Anita and their lively electro-pop.

Mucho time was spent preparing for my brothers birthday party.  There
were about FOURTEEN people coming so zillions of chairs were erected
(swoof!) in the garden.

The actually party was a real hoot because it deteriorated into the
biggest waterfight so far this YEAR!  Buckets of water were slung,
hosepipes sprayed, super soakers were unleashed and bowls of water
were sloshed around.  Everyone was DRENCHED by the end but I seemed to
have copped the worst soaking!  Dave (my uncle, not my little brother)
got me an absolute classic with an entire bowl of water.  I was hiding
in the garage to ambush him when in walked my little brother with a
super soaker.  He wrecked my ambush and got me wet!  As I emerged to
tell everyone about my foiled plan Dave got me a treat all up my
back with his bowl.  Nooooooooo!  Wet arse or what?!

Once everyone had gone home and I was nice and dry I received a call
from Tony Gibbs.  He was rather happy because he had passed his A-levels
with flying colours.  Well done dude!  He was certainly in high spirits.
Oooh, he managed to get a 'Star Trek - Generations' poster for me which
he has posted in a big cardboard tube to prevent it being wrecked in the
post.  Nice one!

And then I hit the hay for fourteen thousand winks.

Babes of the day:-  Natalie Robb (Trish McDonald / High Road) and
                    Nicola Bell (Debbie Dobson / Byker Grove).

See you all in a tad.

From:-  Metal Mickey.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Friday August 18th 1995.

"Fakkin' elll!  Shit, tit, bum, arsehole!"

Eeeeh baaaah gum!

No nasty dreams for me last night readers.  Jolly good show.

This mornings post wasn't particularly thrilling.  I received the Star
Trek poster I mentioned yesterday but it got all glarged in the post!
So much for protecting it in a tube!  Tubes are GLUE!

This morning I helped my little brother assemble his new lego space-shuttle
and plane.  I forgot how much fun it was to have a brand new set of lego.
Plenty of good memories gushed back as I tore open those little plastic
bags which contained a myriad of shiny new lego bits.  Those were the days!

I received a call from a guy called 'Levi' (?!) who did the MIDI C64
conversions that I got on Tuesday.  He was a huge C64 music fan (just
like meeee!) and we had a good old ramble about Hubbard and Galway etc.
I managed to enthuse about contacting Galway quite a bit (gloat, smarm,
brag etc).  He is going to send me a tape packed with SPECTRUM music!
Should be good!  I can't wait to hear classics like 'Ping Pong' again.
The Speccy music for that game kicked ass and was BETTER than Galways
C64 'Ping Pong' music!  Aaargh!  How can this be possible?!?!  *BOGGLE*!

After dinner which was sodding bland ham sarnies AGAIN I had to hastily
assemble an order.  Just to put me in a worse state than ever the bloke
ordered TEN blank disks ...  Nooooo!  I was nicking sleeves and blanking
over all sorts of stuff to make up those disks.  I really MUST get some
more - SOON!

Once the rushed and messy-looking order was done I tore up the town on
my bike and got to the bank with five minutes to spare.  Pheeeewie!
I paid in some drognas and then posted that dodgy package.  By this
time I was sweating profusely!  When I finally I reached the photocopy
place I probably stunk a bit.  That would explain all the dead bodies
in the shop when I left.  Arfle barfle!

Breezed home and skulled a can of the real thing while watching 'Movies,
Games and Video's'.  Thrill, thrill.

In the evening I had a big pritt-stick session (gloork!)  It was so big
(swoob!) that I ran out!  (gwarf!)  I got my strange tape catalogue all
gummed together and the five pages of 'Genetic Ninja' for issue #$01 of
'Commodore Zone' sorted.  They look pretty damn fine too!

For my tea I had the BALTI which I have been waiting all week for.  Not
bad grub.  Not the best balti I've consumed but I hadn't drunk seven pints
of lager for the full balti effect!  HEHE!

And that was my day.  Brought to you in glorious ASCII-VISION.

Babe of the day:-  That bird with big knockers who was in Brookie tonight.
                   (You know, Bevs friend, the one in the tight green top).

Bye then!

From:-  Shitt-Quick-Pritt-Stick.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Saturday August 19th 1995.

"He just tipped the BINONIM!"

Allo ...

Arose from my pit ready to take on the WORLD.  Well, ready to have some
breakfast anyway.  After some toast was munched I began the epic task of
copying disks for people even though I still have NO blank disks at all!
Gumph!  Somehow I actually managed to fill todays orders too.  The good
thing about running out of disks is that I really sort through my disks
looking for empty space and generally have a good clear-up of clag old
software.  Quite rewarding actually.  Honest!

I gave Jaz Kelk a quick tinkle (floob!) to sort out the page layout for
'Commodore Zone'.  The mag is now ALMOST ready to be shrunk to A5 size.

My C64 session got the morning out of the way pretty damn quickly (as
quickly as I spuked those salmon sandwiches down the bog in fact).

Kev arrived in the afternoon and we all trooped off to the local
sports centre for my little brothers birthday party.  While lots of
little kiddies leaped around a bouncy castle we pelted a pesky little
kid with balls from the ball-pool.  HEHE!   Die mutant!

After all that triffic fun Kev went his separate way while I returned to
the Zone.   Generally slobbed around in the afternoon, spoke to Feeky
who has produced MORE modules!!  I must get his package in the post next
week or there will be hell to pay (kind of).

Watched 'The Empire Strikes Back' in the evening in glorious
'Pro-Logic-Surround-O-Vision' which was utterly entertaining (as per
usual).  I wouldn't mind the WIDESCREEN version though.  Hmmmm.

I then settled down to watch 'The Thing' which was also great.  In fact,
I spotted loads of little bits that I never noticed before for some odd
reason.  Weird!  

More gobshite tomorrow churms.

From:-  Lenny the Leper.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Sunday August 20th 1995.

"Nooo!  My eye smells like onions!"

Hello yet again you rancid heaps of sputum.

(Incidentally, word of the day is "SPUTUM" - © Lee Collett).

As soon as organic systems were on-line I exhumed myself from my pit and
got washed etc.  There were absolutely NO brekkie cereals in the cupboard
so I said "UP YOURS" to breakfast and lobbed the v's for a good ten
minutes at the cereal cupboard.  (I didn't really.  Chortle!)

Collett and Mez invaded the Zone at around 11am and we hastily departed
on another voyage to the UCI cinema.  When we arrived the film didn't
start for about another hour so we vragged into the shopping mall.  We
got a good TITS fix and were generally given the fakkin 'orn by mall
chicks.  We then piled into the KFC and bought oodles of nosh which we
consumed outside while discussing chicks.  While Collett nipped to the
bog Mez put a chicken bone into what was left of his Colletts Zinger
burger and I put a USED wipe in it!!  GUFFAW!  For some baffling reason
he did want to eat it after examining its contents.  Hmmmmm.

The film we went to observe was 'Die Hard With A Vengeance'.  It featured
plenty of LARGE explosions along with all the usual Die Hard action and
destruction.  Great stuff!  We were DENIED a Hot Dog so I bought a bag
of sweeties which will no doubt rot my teeth.

Once the film had ended we left the UCI and scoped out yet more TITS.
I think we overdosed on tits today.  Collett is starting to lose it,
he was rambling about waking up and discovering he had grown TITS.
Strange chap.

Once I had been dropped off back at the Zone I slobbed around doing not
a lot.  Watched assorted stuff on the telly and generally whiled away the
afternoon.

In the evening I completed a five disk sending for FeekZoid which I am
determined to get posted tomorrow.  I've also got to do a two hour Jarre
video and a letter for David Wright who runs the 'Just 64' fanzine.

Ooooh, I'd better explain todays obscure opening quote.  Mom asked me to
open an ancient jar of onions and I got squirted in the face with vinegar
when the lid sprang open.  After doing a convincing 'Harvey TwoFace'
impression I realized my eye smelt like onions ... !  Why does this
stuff always happen to ME?!

Hokay, I'm off.  I plan to kick in-tray ASS tomorrow.  Should be fun! (?)

Bye-bye!

From:-  Kustard.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Monday August 21st 1995.

"Step on the gas, B.A."

Blast and bugger!  Another apalling night for Kenz.  I'm starting to get
a little bit PISSED OFF with this HEAT!  I usually prefer to be too hot
rather than too cold but enough is enough.  I think I tossed (oogle!) and
turned for around THREE HOURS last night.  That is NOT what Bomber wants.

This mornings post was quite encouraging.  Plenty of dosh which I will
stuff in the bank today and then spend in Worcester tomorrow.  Yahooo!
Thanks to 'Brian Strain' for sending me money which will pay for the
'Commodore Zone' photocopy masters!

I knuckled down in the morning and got the package I mentioned yesterday
for David Wright finished and FeekZoids FIVE DISK sending is also ready.
I even got the Jarre concert copied!  I love it when a plan comes together.  

For my din-dins I had beans on waffles.  FART!  ERUPT!

In the afternoon I did my usual 'blue arsed fly' routine and then strolled
amiably up the town.  I think I may have seen the elven babe but I couldn't
be sure it WAS her because she wasn't wearing BLACK as usual and I've never
seen her in shorts before.  Whoever she was she gave me the fakkin 'orn.

I threw my dough in the bank, posted my bits and then visited the photocopy
place.  They did a fine job with the 'Commodore Zone' flyer.  Good stuff.
I noticed issue 4 of 'SFX' in WHSmiths and as it was an 'X-Files' special
I bought it without even taking a peek.  Unfortunately, even though my
beloved Gillian Anderson features on TWO FULL PAGES I don't know where
the hell they got those pictures from but they aren't all that flattering.
(One is framable though, you can see the top of her boobs.  HOOOORN!)

Saw Rob and Chris in Menzies.  We idle bantered for a while before they
left.  Not much else of interest was to be seen (blimey, I sound like
a god-damned adventure game!!).

There's THREE vids I want at the moment.  They are:-

1. True Lies.
2. The Making Of Jurassic Park.
3. BrainDead.

They WILL be mine, oh yes, they WILL be mine.

Buck Rogers was a stack of shit tonight.  That makes a change! (?!)

I had a yamma-damma pizza for my tea.  I love pizza, me!

In the evening I sorted out some 'Commodore Zone' stuff and some software
for Tony Gibbs.  That's ANOTHER package I need to get sorted.  Gaaaah!
Will it never end?!

And with the 'Ghouls 'n Ghosts' music wibbling in the background I
bid thee farewell.  Bye then!

From:-  Knightlore.

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Tuesday August 22nd 1995.

"Tits!"

Yo gang!

I'm BACK!  I haven't been gone very long and now here I am filled with
ramble for you to inwardly digest.

I spent a good hour or so taping new 'Chortles' footage onto the end
of Jimbo's tape.  He's now the proud owner of the 'Chortles II' trailer,
'Caravan Capers', the exploding shoe, monitor smash and television smash!
His ten minutes of fun ends with Mez wearing a bucket on his exclaiming
"I am the law" loudly.  HEHE!  (In fact, it took me MORE than an hour
to produce ten minutes of edited footage.  Argh!)

I also managed to compile 9 disks of goodies for Jimbo to check out.
All the modules and pictures had to be saved on PC formatted disks
which slowed things down a tad.  By around lunch-time I was rushing
like a sonofabitch because I had a train to catch.  Fret!  I was
also looking after my little brother today so he had to come with
me into Worcester.  We had about 25 mins to reach the train station!
Some speedwalking was in order.

We somehow managed to get to the station on time.  A good way to get a
six year old to shift is to treat everything as a race.  We met Mike at
the station and a train soon appeared (as if by magic).  Once we were
in Worcester, Mike went off to do his chores and I went to the Halifax
to hand over my little brother.  No, I didn't try to pay him into my
account, my Mom works there!  (And she was finishing just as we arrived.
Kewl timing).

Then I was FREE to roam Worcester, ogle the PLETHORA of chicks and get
all my jobs done.  The first task was PHOTOCOPYING.  I got all 40 pages
of 'Commodore Zone' shrunk down to A5 (they looked GREAT!) and 100's of
catalogues and flyers copied.  It cost me over 14 QUID for that little
lot but they should last for a while.

I then went to meet Mike in Antics and we went off to explore the shops
in Worcester.  It was time to SPEND!  I bought a pack of 6 blank tapes
from Our Price (yaaawn), 'Braindead' from HMV (yesss!), 'The Making Of
Jurassic Park' from Woolworths (double yesss!) and some much needed
blank disks from Lyndene Micro's.  I actually bought the very last
pack of 5¼" disks from them so I need to find a new supplier PRONTO!

Me and Mike were pretty sick of Worcester at this point so we decided
to LEAVE.  Unfortunately we had to wait for about half a cowing hour
for the bloody train.  Grrrrrrrrrrrr!  Snarl!  Fart!  etc.

Todays adventure didn't end there though.  Once back in Droitwich Mike
went home and I walked into town to buy some 'Pork Crackles'.  Yummy
yum, I luurve those things.  I then continued on to Jimbo's house!

Jimbo prepared a rather nice meal of scrammy steak & kidney pie (we ate
all the pies) with spuds and veggies etc.  That sure hit the spot because
I didn't actually have any dinner today.  GLOBBER!!

Then followed an evening of Archimedes game playing, module saving and
picture viewing.  We had a huge copying session and I departed with 16
disks filled with pics and mods.  Smart!

Arrived home after midnight feeling wrecked with a bad head.  Need BED!
NOW!  (Crash!  ZzZzZzZz).

From:-  Plaph!

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Wednesay August 23rd 1995.

"It actually caught fire - once" (Said Kenz referring to a big telly!)

Hold on to your tits girls and prepare for more Kenz waffle!  Yes, Captain
Banter is here to bore, I mean, ENTERTAIN you by wibbling on about what I
did today.  Can you wait?!  Nope, nor me.  Here goes nothing ...

RAIN!  Actual RAIN!  For the first time in 36 days it rained!  The downfall
lasted a good couple of hours and once it had stopped everywhere seemed a
lot fresher.  It should do our dead garden a bit of good.

While I wasn't goggling at the weather I was busy running the empire
known as Binary Zone PD.  I did a large package for Brian Strain, wrapped
up a tape and included a 'Commodore Zone' flyer and did a package for
Frank Gasking.  All that hugely hard work brought us nicely up to
din-dins time.

Luncheon consisted of a bleggy POT-NOODLE (sweet & sour flavour - yuk!),
the pork crackles I bought yesterday - YUM! and a can of the real thing.

In the afternoon I plodded up the town as per usual, posted my packages
and checked out WHSmiths.  There was not much happening so I continued
on to Mikes abode.  Mike played me loads of bits recorded on tape when
he was about TWELVE which was thoroughly fascinating (ahem).  We then
watched half of the Star Trek TNG episode 'Rascals' before Mike got
bored so on went 'Braindead'!!  HEHEHE!

EXTREME GORE!  BLOOD!  GUTS!  LAWNMOWER!  BLENDER!  DISCHARGE!  GROSS!

What an utter classic film.  'Braindead' has GOT to be one of the goriest
films of all time.  Mike thought it was 'weird' and I thought it RULED!

Feeling a tad knackered (again) I journeyed home and flopped straight
into bed without even having my usual read or bit of telly watching.

SNORE!

From:-  Intestines.

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Thursday August 24th 1995.

"We are all children of the horn".

Coo-eee!  It's me again.  Kenz-O-Matic is on the case (well, the CHAIR
actually) bringing you more waffle and gobshite.

While I was scoffing my coco-pops this morning the postie shoved some
actual DOSH and interesting things through the letterbox.  A pretty
damn neat start to the day I reckon!  (The coco-pops I mean ... !)

After brekkie I had a good sort through all my C64 disks and compiled
'PD Games #12'.  It contains two games by Peter Staaks which I received
today along with various other bits and bobs.  'PD Games #13' will be
filled with basic card games and I'm planning a compilation of cool
Ryan Chenery SEUCK games for 'PD Games #14'.  Should be good!

Dinner was sort of nice.  I had a HUGE plate of chips with some 'rib
steaks'.  They were a brand I hadn't tried before and weren't quite as
tasty as the other sort.  Ho hum.

I rang up Russ Michaels to sort out rumours spread by those idiots at
TUCD.  Russ was moaning about everything but informed me that Utopia PD
had been busted by ELSPA.  HAHAHAHAHA!  Rot in hell scummy PD library!
Russ seemed to be quite smug about his 'Commodore World' magazine.  That
made me more determined than ever to make sure that 'Commodore Zone' KICKS
ASS!  I've got to get those flyers posted (I've done ONE so far!  Errrm).

Hmmmm.  My little brother has been watching 'Back To The Future' movies
ALL DAY!  He watched the trilogy and then watched them all AGAIN!  Globber!
He loves them.  Well, so do I but not quite that much.

The rest of the day was spent mucking around on the Amiga.  I spent
absolutely YONKS going through all the swag I got off Jimbo.  I also
sorted out the other bits I've got lying around in an attempt to get
some blank disks.  I ended up with four.  I need eight.  Bollox.

Android Robot rang in the evening.  Working for Sony sounds like a laff
a minute.  Not only do they employ large blobby females but also make
you take scary tests.  Hmmmm.  Andy told me they sell SCULLY pics in
the Liverpool (friggin' soft lad, sound, jelly) branch of 'Forbidden
Planet'.  Special agent Andy is going to check them out for me. 

Urgh!  I just compiled a piccies disk and the disk is a bit sticky!!

That's about all I've got to tell ya.  I'm off to watch the making of
Jurassic Park in bed now.  (No, they didn't make Jurassic in my bed).

Thanks go to FeekZoid for composing the choonz that I listened to while
I tapped in this text.

Word of the day:-  "Rigmarole".

Bye then!

From:-  Stegosaurus.

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Friday August 25th 1995.

"Sounds to me!"

Hiya froods!  It's F.F.F.Friday!!  Hooray!  Joy!  Rapture!  etc.  Actually,
it doesn't really make any difference to me what sodding day it is.  HA!

Blimey O'Riley!  'The Making Of Jurassic Park' is excellent!  I haven't
had that much fun in bed since ...  (Censored text)ia and her sister!

After a yummy bowl of 'coco poos' (HAHAHA!  Classic typing error!  I refuse
to correct that one!!  HEHEHE!) I watched the brilliant X-Men cartoon which
I am really into at the moment.  It features some GREAT fights and I think
'Rogue' is pretty cute (and she is STRONG!)  Of course there just HAD to be
a female reason to get Kenz interested.  I'm just a SEX MACHINE!!

Once my fix of cartoon action was out of way I got down to some serious
HARD WORK.  A veritable plethora of things were sorted out.  I hit my
in-tray with my full wrath (kind of).

While I was busy hoying catalogues in envelopes and copying disks etc I
got a phonecall from a guy who updated 17 utilities for me.  A while ago
I told him he won a 'convert disk utils to tape' competition which I put
on 'BZ Utility Tape 1'.  Silly me still hadn't got round to posting his
prizes.  Ooops!  I had to duplicate PD Games Tapes 1 & 2 and bung them
in the post to him.  Unfortunately, time was not on my side and once both
tapes were finished I had to RUSH up the town to catch the last post.
Considering the state of the C64 scene at the moment why am I always
rushing around?!  I'm always soooooo busy!  Noooooooougat!

After all that action I settled down and began work on the 'Commodore Zone'
disk labels.  Lots of cutting and pasting fiddly bits of paper ensued but
the end result looked pretty neat.

Jon Wells rang me which resulted in a welcome break from my sticky labels.
He's planning some great stuff for 'Commodore Zone' and is currently writing
a game which will star an ancient hero I invented for a BBC Micro game.  Yes
folks, I am pleased to announce that 'Galactic Ned' will soon be returning
to computer screens.  YEEEEESSSSSSSSS!

I was feeling a tad sleepy after the lengthy chat with Jon so I
removed all the junk off my bed and floated off to the land of nod.

Cheeriebye!

From:-  Lord Zed.

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Saturday August 25th 1995.

"It's time for a hurtle".

Oh GOD, not ANOTHER diary to type.  Erm, I mean, HI CHUMS!  Kenz is back
yet again with todays thrilling events.

Once I was out of bed and feeling sort of human I checked out the Batman
cartoon which was okay I spoze.  It was about some sort of freaky doll
type thing.  Errrm, fair enough!

How come when I'm running REALLY low on disks I ALWAYS receive an order
for ten (or more) blank disks?!  That happened to me today!  I've got
SIX left but need five for an order I received yesterday.  Aaargh!
Anyway, I sorted out that order which left me with  ONE blank disk
left.  Great.  

I then tried to give Andy Roberts a tinkle (fnit!) but he must have still
been partying in the land of nod.  Oh well.  Instead of rambling on the
phone I prepared some bits to be photocopied and then trundled up the
town.  I was surprised to find both the Post-Office and photocopy place
OPEN!  Kewl.

Back at the Zone I got the 'Commodore Zone' labels FINISHED!  Phewie!
It was a heck of a job sticking all those little bits together but
now they are FINISHED.  (Note:  It cost me 50p to add two little disk
symbols to all the labels.  50p for that teeny little touch!  Gumph!)

Oooh, I did manage to get through to Andy.  I enthused to him about
'The Making Of Jurassic Park' and convinced him to buy it.  He won't
regret it, it's SMART!

The next few hours were spent doing housework chores.  Blasted frigging
hoovering!  It's too knackering!  Heelllppppp mmmmmeeeeeee!

Once all the naffy poxing hoovering was done I decided to do a demo for
the 'Commodore Zone' covermount.  It turned out quite well and I'm rather
pleased with it.  Nice piccy, nice choon, banter-packed scrolly.  Mega!
Just as I was getting it finished I turned on the telly because Darcey
Bussell was in some sort of ballet thing.  That's just what you need to
get the fakkin 'orn!  HEHE!

Andy then rang to enthuse about 'The Making Of Jurassic Park' which
he is now the proud owner of.  The spawny twonk was given the actual
'Jurassic Park' film by mistake so he returned to the shop and bought
the 'Making Of' again.  That means he got both the FILM and the MAKING
OF for 12 quid!  Sheesh!  Some people have all the luck.

This evening marked the start of the 'Sci-Fi' weekend!  I cooked myself
a STRANGE meal of waffles, super noodles and steak grill thingies and
then settled down to watch all manner of documentaries and rubbish old
B-movies.  I must say that 'THX-1138' is a BORING film!  (Sorry George!)
I wish they had planned to show some RECENT movies this weekend.

After an overload of Sci-Fi I beamed myself to the land of nod.

I will return Earthlings!

From:-  Dalek.

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Sunday August 26th 1995.

"Worms have infested my screen!"

Burraburraburraburra!  (Said Kenz at Weston-Super-Mare!)

Hey ho and away we go!

Well, Sunday morning was completely consumed by the construction of the
covertape for 'Commodore Zone'.  I got the whole kaboodle finished and
the end result is rather lovely.  Am I clever or what?!  (Don't answer
that ya basts!)

For dinner I had a lovely pork banquet with REAL gravy (I.E tarmac).
My Nan joined us for Sunday dinner today and I looned around while we
did the washing-up so my nan attacked me with a utensil!  Chortle!

What in the name of CROM did I do in the afternoon?  Ummm, added a few
finishing touches to the covertape and thrilling stuff like that.

Oooh yeah, Dave and Ro appeared in the afternoon for a visit.  I had
the f*rts something ROTTEN and nearly farted Dave through the wall at
one point.  Cackle!  "Massive farts are fun!"  (Quoteth Kenz).

The Sci-Fi weekend continued and I taped a heap more of it.  There was
not much worthy of a mention apart from a CLASSIC 'Star Wars' spoof
which was on yesterdays 'Take Over TV'.  Great fun but I won't describe
it here because I can't be arsed.

Sod this for a lark, I'm outa here!  Thatsyerlot.  Go on, sling yer 'ook!

From:-  Krash!

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Monday August 28th 1995.

"May the FOUR be with you".

Yawn!  Stretch!

I woke up nice and early today so I could watch the 'X-Men'.  Great stuff
as usual.

It's a BANK HOLIDAY today which means no post for Kenz.  I decided to
use this little holiday to do a huge motherhumper of a mail-shot to tell
the world about 'Commodore Zone'.  It was a day of stuffing flyers into
envelopes which gets a 'thrill factor' of -5.  SNORE!

Bleggy ham sarnies for lunch.  Well, they weren't THAT bad.  Plenty of
mustard.  Yam yam!

More mailshooting was done in the afternoon.  I also got some other
letters done which have been in my in-tray for a good few months.  HEHE!

Hmmm, I recorded over 'Legend' recently but it was on telly today!  I
got a new STEREO recording which I taped after 'Robin Hood'.  It only
just fit.  (Fnonk!)

Babylon 5 was on tonight as part of the 'Sci-Fi Weekend'.  It was an
episode I hadn't seen before even though it was on old one!  Coooooool!

I then watched (and taped) the 'Rosswell Incidend' which featured
some smart footage of an alien autopsy!!  Guts!  Guts!  (But no ribs
or other skeletal bones that I could see - HMMMMM!)

After that I watched the 'X-Files' which I taped upstairs.  SCULLY IS
BACK!  FAKKIN 'ORN!  It was a great episode even though I had seen it
before.  I LOVE YOU SCULLY!  (But I still don't know why).

I came over all tired at that point so I sodded off to bed.  I started
to read a new 'Buck Rogers' novel which soon sent me to sleep.  HOHAHE!

Eeebly beebly!

From:-  Dr Theopolis.

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Tuesday August 29th 1995.

"You only fancy Toni because she's got big tits"  (probably the most
correct statement Shelley (Toni's sister) ever made to Kenz).  Ag! Ag!

Am I awake?  Am I ALIVE?!  Who knows ...

Woke up, got up, got washed, got dressed, had frosties, watched 'X-Men',
started work, continued to do mailshot, ran out of envelopes.  Piss.

I actually REMEMBERED to watch (and tape) the fabby Star Trek cartoon
today.  The story was VERY similar to a recent Voyager episode.  Spooky!

Boring old sarnies for lunch AGAIN.  I had a nice bag of roast beef
flavored crisps though.  Slavver!

In the afternoon I hit the town and completely forgot to pay some loot
into the bank.  NYEEUUUURRR!  I posted about THIRTY letters which cost
me exactly 18p thanks to my stamp supply and reply coupons.  Keewwwlll!

Slobbed around for a while after that and watched some telly.  Byker
Grove was a stack of shite because Fran was not in it (or something).

For tea I had some manky courgettes with plenty of swede.  BOILK!
(There was a BIG lamb chop and chips with that though).

I got pretty bored mailshooting so I decided to something completely
different(ish).  I typed out a letter to 'TUCD' and kicked their arse
for printing what I had said about 'Commodore World'.  HA!

Question:  When does tax come in handy?

Answer:  When you add the command TAX to the start of a piece of music
         code which is to be ported onto the Amiga.

FeekZoid gave me that bit of advice.  The TAX command lets you access
more than one tune in memory.  Armed with that info I ported a load of
FeekZoid and Steve Rowlands music onto the Amiga.  The music played
splendidly and some of the files hold LOTS of separate tunelets.  Groovy!
(Oops!  I mustn't use that 'outdated' term ...)

Time for a bit more of the Buck Rogers book now.  G'night gang!

From:-  Large Nob Person.

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Wednesday August 30th 1995.

"Slightly, bag of peas!"

Hobla dudes and pretty dudettes).

D'you wanna know what I did for most of today ... ?  I bloody remastered
'BZT007 - MUSIC NON-STOP' that's bloody what.  It took me AGES to sort out
that cowing tape.  My tape deck kept playing up, I kept having problems
with demos and each demo I came across was FILLED with filthy language
and total SHIT which I had to sort out.  AAAARRRGH!

What a waste of a day.  An entire day of my life devoted to a piddly bit
of magnetic media.  To make things worse, by the end of the day I still
hadn't finished the bastard!  NO WAY!  (Way etc).

Not much else occurred.  I forgot to pay some money into the bank AGAIN,
posted a few 'CZ' flyers and ate some food (probably).

As today was such a bloody waste of time I ain't gonna write no more ...
(Yakkedy yak, don't come back ...  etc).

From:-  BZT007.

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Thursday August 31st 1995.

"Stand by for ACTION!"

It's almost time to crumple up August and throw it in the bin.  This
month began nice and sunny but we ended up with some DULL weather and
I was experiencing an assortment of technical problems with the Zone.

I planned to start today by watching the X-MEN but that plan was
completely foiled because there was no BBC1 or 2!  Both stations were
STATIC!  Bummer!  That meant no Star Trek cartoon either.  Flaps!

Instead of watching those cartoons and the other kiddies TV type shite
I battled on with 'BZT007'.  I did get it finished today but it took
a LONG time.

I had a tasty dinner today.  Along with my bleggy sarnies I had a
slice of quiche.  (That's "KEESH" for any thicko's who are reading).
Very nice.

MY DISKS STILL HAVEN'T ARRIVED!  PANIC!  FRET!  PLOP ATTACK!

After I had watched 'Byker Grove' (which was crap because Debbie was
not in it) I got ready to go out on the TAP.  I prepared some moozik
modyels to give to Jimbo and had to get lots of fluff of my beloved
'X-Files' t-shirt.  Urk!

Talking of the 'X-Files', Collett dropped round his 'X-Files' tape and
said "Skumm, decapitate, Roll" before quickly departing.  Nice one Lee.
I deduced from that sentence that he wanted me to tape him Mondays episode.
No problemo.  Hmmmm, actually, he didn't say "Skumm, decapitate, Roll" at
all.  Hey, I'm full of shit, me!  I must be pretty skill too because I got
his tape sorted out TODAY!

I had a pretty damn cool evening at the Castle.  Tonights cast of celebs
included:-  Jimbo, Fiona, B.A. and Murdoch from the A-Team video, that
fat bird who was not funny, Smiley Babe (lovely t*ts tonight), Skeletor
(HEHE!) and a babe called Lyn (I think) who recognised me.  I was talking
to her for a while while desperately trying to remember who she was!

We were then all thrown out of the pub by a large gentlemen who you don't
mess with.  We all went our separate ways and I staggered back to the Zone.
Once home, for some bloody strange reason I started to dupicate a PD tape
at that point!  It was 12:20!  What a spanner!

Once the tape FINALLY clicked off I powered down the Zone and drifted off
to sleep.  Snozzle!

From:- Armpit farts.

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